Things best forgotten
by ShepsAngel
Summary: There is no such this as a simple offworld mission when John Sheppard is involved. Poor Shep gets whumped again
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Stargate Atlantis

A/N: This is my first ever fan fic. Hope you like it. Any and all reviews will be greatly appreciated.

He flashed her his trademark, lopsided grin before he stepped through the gate on what should have been a simple trading mission. Teyla had traded with the people of MX4-238 for many years and had judged them to be an honest, peaceful people.

Even so every time he stepped through the gate she became nervous and on edge. Worried that this time he might not be coming back, he had had so many close calls over the past year that she felt she had a right to worry. Even if she did make the gate technicians life a misery every time he and his team was off world.

However, this time it seemed that her worries had been justified. Colonel Sheppard's team had come barrelling through the gate barely an hour after they had gated off world. She had been in her office when she had heard the now, unfortunately all too familiar warning

"Unscheduled off world activation" She had made her way quickly to the balcony overlooking the gate room, praying that it would not be Major Sheppard's team that emerged from the gate. It seemed however, that her prayers were not to be answer as the gate technician informed her,

"Ma'am, I'm receiving SGA 1's IDC"

"Lower the shield" She ordered, her mind momentarily wondering as to what kind of trouble the Colonel and his team had managed to get themselves into this time.

She watched as Colonel Sheppard's team came barrelling through the gate, unceremoniously landing in a heap on the gate room floor. There was a flurry of activity around her that Elizabeth barely registered as she stood staring in horror at the bruised and bloodied but ultimately unconscious forms of Teyla, Lieutenant Ford and Dr Rodney McKay. Elizabeth's eyes darted around wildly, desperately searching for a fourth figure, that of Colonel Sheppard, however he was nowhere to be found.

As she made her way down to the floor of the gate room, still lost in her own thoughts, her shock at seeing the unconscious figures before her quickly turned into anger, she knew that it was irrational but she thought to herself, How the hell could they just leave Sheppard behind? Her anger at the team was quickly pushed from her mind as more important thoughts took their place. Where was he? Was he ok? Was he in the same state, or worse, as his team? Was he even alive? No, she quickly became angry at herself for even thinking that he might not be alive. Of course he was alive and they were going to bring him home. She barely registered the figure of Dr Carson Beckett, running towards her, closely followed by what seemed the entire medical staff. She had no idea how long she had been standing there, lost in her thoughts. She hadn't even heard anyone call for a med team.

"What the hell happened" Came Carson's familiar Scottish brogue, pulling her from her thoughts, as he ran over to the three figures littering the gate room.

"I don't know" was Elizabeth's reply. Carson immediately began checking his patients one by one.

Deeming Teyla to be most in need of medical attention, considering she was bleeding profusely from what appeared to be a gunshot wound to the abdomen, Beckett called for two orderlies to assist in him in manoeuvring the Athosian onto one of the waiting gurneys.

"Ok, we need to get her into surgery stat" came Beckett's controlled, professional reply.

Damn Elizabeth thought to herself, why the hell couldn't she be like that. Every time that a team came back injured, she was a complete wreck, her mind always wandering to the worst case scenario.

She watched silently as Teyla was wheeled away at a rapid pace towards the infirmary, and the waiting OR.

Beckett, ever the professional quickly turned his attention to Ford and McKay. Checking both unconscious men over before placing their prone forms gently onto gurneys, with the help of several more of his nurses, before they too were wheeled away towards the infirmary.

Beckett stood, looking perplexed at the very anxious Elizabeth.

"I don't understand why they're both unconscious. There are no external injuries. I can'nee see any reason for them to be unconscious"

"Well, then why are they unconscious?" She snapped, her voice harsher then she had intended. She needed them to wake up and tell her what had happened to them on that damned planet, and where the Colonel was so that she could send a rescue team to bring him home.

Carson, a little taken aback by her outburst replied dejectedly, "I don't know but I'll do all I can." His eyes scanning the gate room he added "Where's the Colonel? I bloody hope he isn't trying to avoid his post mission check-up. I know he doesn't like them, but it is nee like him to leave his team, especially when they're sick. I usually have to chuck him out of the infirmary." Carson catching that Elizabeth was staring, longingly at the stargate stopped talking, becoming more and more worried by the second, by the conspicuous absence of the Colonel.

There was a long uncomfortable silence, that seemed to last forever, as Elizabeth stood, eyes transfixed on the inactive gate, wishing desperately to hear the familiar whoosh of an incoming wormhole and for Sheppard to come running through and shout April fools. Eventually resigning to the fact that however much she wanted him to he wasn't just going to come walking through the gate she tore herself away and locked eyes with the now extremely worried Carson Beckett.

"I don't know" If he had not been listening intently for her response he would have missed it, it was so quiet "He never came back through the gate" Her mood quickly changed as she snapped "I need his team to wake up so I can find out what happened. We never leave a man behind" She echoed the words that Sheppard had used to her on so many occasions. He had risked his life to save the lives of so many others and now it was his life that needed saving, and at the moment she had no way of helping him.

Beckett ignoring his own emotions at the news that the Military commander of Atlantis, someone who had become a good friend after saving his butt so many times was MIA, never letting his carefully constructed doctor façade slip replied, "I'll do everything that I can for his team". He turned away dejectedly from Elizabeth, not sure if she had heard him because she was once again staring transfixed, seemingly in a world of her own at the inactive stargate, as he made his way back to the infirmary and his three waiting patients.

TBC

A/N: Thanks for reading. Any and all reviews welcome


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the great reviews, I was really worried no one would read it. Anyway, here's the next chapter, bit slow but necessary. We'll found out just who has Shep in the next chapter.

As he slowly began to regain consciousness he felt like crap. His tongue felt like sandpaper, his head felt like it was stuffed full of cotton wool, and his body ached all over, even breathing hurt.

From the way that he felt he surmised that Beckett had broken out the sedatives, although for the life of him he couldn't remember why he could have ended up in the infirmary. The last thing that he remembered was stepping through the gate onto MX4-238. The next thing he knew he was waking up here, although he was quickly becoming aware that here, was not as he had first surmised, the infirmary. Instead of the not so comfy mattress of an infirmary bed he found himself lying on a cold, hard stone floor.

He cautiously opened his eyes, fully expecting to be blinded by lights overhead. Instead he was met with complete darkness. Leaning against the wall for support, he gingerly shifted into a sitting position. Feeling a wave of nausea wash over him, he squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to take a deep breath, trying to settle his rebellious stomach. Once he was fairly confident he was not going to lose his breakfast, he opened his eyes and surveyed his surroundings, finding himself unable to see anything. Wherever he was it was hot and stuffy and although he had never suffered with it before, he was beginning to feel extremely claustrophobic.

Forcing his mind to focus he began to take an inventory of his situation. He no longer had his radio or P-90. They would have really come in handy right about now, he thought to himself. He was no longer wearing his pack or his boots. He found himself thinking, good job I decided to wear socks this morning. Strange the things you think about when in these kinds of situations.

Suddenly realising he was forgetting something extremely important he snapped his head up and shouted into the darkness,

"Ford! Teyla! McKay!" When he received no answer he tried again "Anyone there" Again getting no reply, he resigned himself to the fact that he was indeed alone. Thoughts of his team began to race through his mind, I hope they're okay. Maybe they made it back to Atlantis. Suddenly a thought struck him, maybe they were here and they were just still unconscious. Berating himself for not thinking of it earlier, he slowly pushed himself up, using the wall for support, his legs feeling like jelly from the drugs.

He began to walk the perimeter of the room slowly, so as to not step on any unconscious bodies, all the time using the wall for support, and at the same time feeling for a doorway. However he had barely taken ten steps when he walked straight into another wall in front of him "OW!" he yelped as he hit it face first. He turned and began to walk, again another ten paces and he hit solid wall, although this time he had been expecting it so managed to avoid any further injury. He continued his inspection of the cell until he had walked all the way around, which didn't take too long.

He had achieved nothing except to increase his feelings of claustrophobia, as he now knew the exact size of his tiny cell, and also to increase the feelings of uneasiness and worry for his team. He had found nothing, no door, no unconscious bodies. He didn't know whether to be relieved or even more apprehensive. The fact that none of his team were here with him meant that they may have made it back to Atlantis and were even now mounting a rescue. He felt dejected when he realised that it was far more likely that they too were in similar cells to the one that he found himself in.

Suddenly he felt a wave of dizziness and nausea wash over him as his legs gave way from under him. He crumpled to the floor, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to regain his composure. He would have missed the guard entering the room had he not heard the clicking of the lock. Snapping his eyes open he stared out into the gloom, hoping that he would finally he able to get some answers as to where the hell he was and what these people wanted with him. No such luck. As the door opened, Sheppard was temporarily blinded by the bright lights beyond the door. Forcing himself to try to focus on the figure in the doorway, he could barely make out the outline of, a human, he was definitely human. He was about 6"5 and extremely muscular, there would be no overpowering him to escape. Damn. Before he had a chance to recover the guard had dropped something on the floor, turned and left, once again plunging him into total darkness.

Ignoring his bodies objections he ran towards the door, and banged as hard as he could,

"What do you want with me? Where are my team? Hey come back, don't ignore me!"

He continued to shout until his voice was hoarse. Admitting defeat, this round at least, he dropped down to the floor. He sat for several minutes until his mind registered that the guard placed something on the floor of the cell, feeling his way through the dark, fumbling for whatever it was that the guard had placed on the floor. His hand came into contact with a cup, almost knocking the contents on the floor. Gingerly he lifted the cup to his lips, praying that it was only water and that it hadn't been drugged. Deciding that he really didn't have a choice, his throat parched, he downed the warm, foul tasting liquid in one.

Instantly he regretted his actions as he began to feel dizzy and light-headed. He curled into himself, trying to keep warm, as he slowly slipped into the oblivion of unconsciousness.

A/N: Please R&R.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks everyone for the reviews. Here it is, chapter 3!

As Carson Beckett approached the makeshift waiting room he sighed as he noticed that Elizabeth Weir was still relentlessly pacing back and forth.

"I know the chairs aren't all that comfy lass, but you're going to wear a hole in my floor"

"Carson" Elizabeth exclaimed, wheeling around to face the Scot

"Easy lass, sorry I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's ok, I was just thinking." She paused before continuing "Sorry I snapped at you earlier, it was just a shock. Them coming through the gate like that, and without…John."

"Ach, there's no need to apologise, I quite understand"

"How are they?" She asked cautiously eyeing Beckett, trying to gauge what his answer might be. Hoping upon hope that it was going to good, however her hopes were quickly dashed when his face fell.

"Well" he responded warily, slightly worried that she might snap at him again. Although she hardly ever showed that side of herself she could be quite intimidating when she wanted to be. "There's good news and bad news. The good news is that Teyla's wound wasn't too serious. She was lucky in that the bullet missed her major organs. We've stitched her up, and we're giving her a blood transfusion, because as you saw for yourself she's lost a lot of blood."

Elizabeth nodded silently, waiting for him to continue. When he didn't, she asked, "and the bad news?"

"Aye" he sighed heavily "They have me completely stumped. They're all still unconscious and I can find no medical reasons for it. I've ran all of the tests that I could think of and there is nothing physically wrong with them"

She sat heavily on one of the chairs lining the makeshift waiting room before replying dejectedly "Except that they're unconscious"

"Aye" replied Carson sadly

"So what do we do now?"

"There's nothing we can do except wait and hope that they come around"

"Wait" She replied quietly, more to herself then to Carson

"Elizabeth" Carson placed a hand gently on her shoulder "why don't you go get some sleep, you look exhausted"

"Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately" she quipped jokingly "You look awful" She hadn't missed the fact that dark circles were beginning to form, under heavy lidded eyes, his shoulders were slumped, and clothes ruffled. He had been running himself ragged since the team had come back through the gate five hours ago.

"Aye, probably. But I'm needed here, your not. Elizabeth I know your worried, both for John and his team, but there really is nothing you can do for them right now. Go get some sleep, and I'll be sure to keep you posted if there's any change."

"Sorry Carson, but I'm not leaving until I know they're going to be ok. Besides I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that John's still out there somewhere."

"Elizabeth" Carson began, putting on his best I'm-the-doctor-and-you-will-listen-to-me-face, but was quickly silenced when she glared at him with her my-decision-is-final look, which was equally intimidating, if not more than his own. Relenting he added "Aye, ok. I'll let you know the minute there's any change." With that he turned and left, to see to his patient, leaving Elizabeth to resume her incessant pacing.

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The first thing he became aware of as he found himself being pulled from the depths of unconsciousness was the relentless beeping. What the hell was that. His head was pounding and the noise was only serving to make it worse. He could feel something soft but not entirely comfortable beneath him, along with the tug of something in his right hand. Quickly gaining his bearings he realised he must be in the infirmary back on Atlantis. The beeping he had heard was obviously a heart monitor. What the hell happened on their last mission? He was pulled from his thoughts when he heard a familiar Scottish voice calling him.

"Rodney, can you hear me? If you can hear me open your eyes."

Slowly, cautiously he cracked his eyes open a slit before yelping in pain and promptly squeezing them shut again as the bright overhead lights made his headache spike. He could hear Carson's worried voice calling him

"Rodney! Rodney! What's wrong? Are you in pain?"

"Bloody hell Carson, are you trying to blind me or just make my head explode"

"Carson not taking the bait replied, "I'm guessing by that reaction you've got a doozey of a headache."

"Yah think" McKay replied weakly

Carson promptly dimmed the lights before replying "You can open your eyes now Rodney, I've dimmed the lights.

"Thanks" he mumbled, before attempting to open his eyes again, this time finding his efforts unhindered by the infirmary lights. The worried, and he noted, exhausted faces of Carson Beckett and Elizabeth Weir swam into

view.

"What happened" he asked feebly. God, he felt like shit.

"You've been unconscious for almost twelve hours" Carson stated

"Twelve hours?" Rodney asked incredulously. When Elizabeth gave him a barely imperceptible nod, he surmised that there must be something more going on. Not seeing the rest of his team he made to move his head to scan the infirmary, sending another spike of pain shooting through his head, making him nauseous. Deciding it was not the wisest move he turned his gaze back to Elizabeth, and shooting her a questioning look, he asked,

"Where is everyone?"

"Teyla and Ford are still unconscious. We had to take Teyla to surgery but the bullet missed any vital organs, so she'll be fine"

Bullet? What bullet? What the hell happened to them on their last mission? Getting slightly annoyed now he asked "And where's Shepherd?"

Carson and Elizabeth exchanged worried glances with each other, before Carson gently probed.

"Rodney, what's the last thing that you remember"

Rodney, getting extremely frustrated that they wouldn't tell him where Shepherd was, furrowed his brow in concentration.

"We were on MX4-238, except that it wasn't MX4-238." His mind finally clicked as he jumped up and shouted "Shepherd!" His body instantly rebelling against the sudden movement, he was extremely grateful to find a bowl shoved in front of him as he was violently sick. Completely exhausted by the exertion he flopped back down on the bed as Carson handed the bowl to a nearby nurse.

"Shepherd" he repeated weakly "Those bastards have Shepherd. I don't even know what they wanted, they said that he had something they needed, and they just took him."

He was interrupted by a pained cry of "Colonel" coming from the bed next to him. Elizabeth was first to reach Ford's bedside as he sat panting as if he had just run a marathon. She placed a calming hand on his shoulder as she saw a mixture of pain and fear play across his face.

"Shh, it's okay" she said soothingly

"Easy lad. How are you feeling?"

"What?" Aiden stared at them in confusion for a few seconds as if only just registering their presence. "Colonel Shepherd, they took him."

"We know" Elizabeth replied calmly "Rodney" she indicated the next bed, "was just telling us, when you woke up."

"Doc, you okay?" Ford asked looking over at McKay

"Yeah. I'm fine. How are you feeling?"

"Are you trying to take my job now too, Rodney" Beckett chided. He turned

back to Ford, and asked, "How are you feeling son?"

Aiden furrowed his brow slightly as he thought about the question "Awful. I have a splitting headache"

"You and Rodney both. I'll go get you something, and you Rodney" he added glancing over at Rodney, before he disappeared to get some of his 'magic' pills.

Turning back to face Rodney, Elizabeth indicated for him to continue.

"They took him" was all he could manage as another wave of nausea rolled over him, a nurse was instantly at his side. Seeing that Rodney was in good hands Elizabeth turned her head back to Ford

"Lieutenant" she asked gently "do you feel up to telling me what happened?"

"Yes ma'am" he replied, although all he really felt like was drifting back into peaceful oblivion, but the thought of his CO needing his help made him continue. "We stepped through the gate onto MX4-238, although it wasn't MX4-238, at least that's what Teyla said."

"What do you mean it wasn't MX4-238, that's the address we dialled" she asked worriedly

"I don't know what to tell you ma'am, it's just what Teyla said" He looked at her to see if she would question him further before continuing "We couldn't find any signs of civilisation but the Colonel said we may as well look around anyway, since we were there. He pulled out his life signs detector, but there were no signs of life. We were barely five minutes from the gate, when these guys appeared, as if from thin air and surrounded us"

"They must have had cloaking capabilities because they didn't show up on the LSD." Rodney having sufficiently recovered rejoined the conversation, seeing the looks of scepticism pointed his way he added defensively "Hello, Genius here, do you have a better explanation." When no one spoke for several seconds, he flashed then his I-know-I'm-right smirk before adding "Please continue"

Ford as if trying to remember where in the retelling he'd got too waited for a second before continuing "They grabbed the Colonel and said that he had something they wanted. When he tried to resist, they shot Teyla" As if just remembering her, he scanned the room for his team mate. Finding her still unconscious, he asked. "Is she ok?"

"She'll be fine" answered Carson, who had just re-entered the room. She's still unconscious but her bodies been through a lot."

"Good" Obviously satisfied Teyla was indeed ok, he continued "Colonel Shepherd said he would go with them as long as they let us go."

"We tried to stop him, told him not to be so stupid. Damn hero complex. He's always sacrificing himself to save others." Rodney snapped.

"It's not like we had much choice" Aiden added slightly defensively, "they had us outnumbered three to one. Three of them took the Colonel, while the rest of them frogmarched the three of us back to the gate. I dialled the address, while Dr McKay entered the IDC.

"Don't worry I didn't let them see" he added quickly

Ignoring McKay, Ford continued " We were walking up the steps to the gate when I felt as if something pushed me in the back, the next thing that I knew I was waking up here"

"Hmm, must have been some kind of stun weapon" Rodney voiced his thoughts aloud

"So you have no idea who these people are, or what they wanted?" Elizabeth questioned, disappointed that they could not provide her with anymore information

"Sorry, ma'am, they just said that he had something that they wanted"

"Ok thank you. Try to get some sleep. We'll do everything we can to find the Colonel. In the mean time I want you to try and get some rest.

McKay and Ford both nodded weakly, the pain meds that Carson had provided finally kicking in as they drifted off to sleep.

There would be no sleeping for Elizabeth though, after speaking with Rodney and Ford, she had gained more questions then answers. Worst of all she still had no idea where her second in command was, or even who had taken him.

A/N: Sorry, I know I'm evil but I promise answers to come in the next chapter along with plenty of Shep whumping. Hope you liked this chapter anyway, even if it did provide more questions than answers.

As always reviews are great appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey guys, sorry that it's taken so long to update, had a severe case of writers block. Anyway I promised Shep whumping and here it is. Enjoy!

Sheppard had awoken a little while ago to a pounding headache that was making him nauseous. He had attempted to alleviate the tension building behind his eyes only to discover that he was unable to move his arms, they had been tightly bound to the chair that he was sitting on.

Taking in his surroundings he discovered that he was no longer in his 'cell', this room was much larger. This room was also windowless, and he could see no visible signs of a door, however, at least this room had a light.

He was beginning to feel extremely anxious, he still had no idea where he was, why he had been kidnapped, or by who. Whoever they were, they had gone to a lot of trouble to get to him, he remembered vaguely being surrounded at the gate by a group of men, one of them stating that he had something which they wanted. He had agreed to go with them if they let his team go, he was comforted slightly by the fact that his team were now back on Atlantis, and that even now they would be planning a rescue. At least he hoped that they were.

He was grounded from his thoughts by the external clicking of a lock and the metallic creaking of a door. Sheppard found himself staring into the cold, dark eyes of a man in a black uniform, flanked by two menacing looking guards, both thick set, muscles bulging. _Oh crap_ his resolve faltering slightly he put on his best smile,

"Hi", it came out more of a whisper, then the strong greeting he had intended to convey.

All three men having entered the room, guard 1, who Sheppard decided to dub Tiny, punched him firmly in the gut. Letting out an involuntary "Oof" he doubled over, curling inwards against the pain.

"You will not speak unless you are asked a question" the leader shouted

Having recovered from the first blow Sheppard replied stubbornly,

"You see, that doesn't work f…" he was unable to finish as he was pummelled yet again. This time he heard the sickening crunch of one of his ribs breaking.

"Silence" the man in uniform bellowed "It does not have to be this way, cooperate and we will have no need to cause you further harm."

"Why the hell should I cooperate when I have no idea who you are or why you kidnapped me" Sheppard retorted.

Another punch this time to his right eye from Tiny, followed by a swift kick from guard 2, whom Sheppard dubbed Teeny, to his shin. Too busy trying to stop himself from crying out due to the pain, he clenched his eyes shut.

Whilst Sheppard attempted to compose himself the man in uniform appeared to ponder his words before replying,

"If I tell you who I am and why we have brought you here, then will you cooperate?"

"I'll think about it," Sheppard replied coldly.

"I am Alcon, Minister of Branalia, we are currently at war with our neighbouring country, Nacarus. The Nacarans launched a bomb on our country, wiping out a large number of our population, eradiating the surface at the same time. This facility is several hundred feet underground. We have no way to defend ourselves, however we do have access to a weapon that would turn the tide of the war. Unfortunately none of our population can activate the weapon, that is where you come in. We know that you come from the city of the ancestors, and that you can use their technology. We know that the weapon was left here by the ancestors, and we need you to help us use it." As he finished he stood staring at Sheppard, with a hungry look in his eyes.

Sheppard's heart sank as the realisation of what Alcon wanted from him sank in. He had been kidnapped simply for his ability to manipulate ancient technology. Horrified at the idea of what Alcon wanted him to do, this was not the first time since activating the chair in Antarctica that he wished he didn't possess the ancient gene.

"I'll never help you" he retorted with as much menace as he could muster.

"Oh I think you will, maybe not yet, but you will cooperate eventually."

"Go to hell" he bellowed

He steeled himself against the blows that he knew were inevitable. He flinched slightly as he saw the huge fist looming down on him before it connected squarely with his jaw, his head reeled back as stars danced across his vision. Before he had time to prepare he was once again punched in the stomach, the force of the blow knocking the chair and its still bound occupant backwards, his vision greying he heard the sickening sound of another rib breaking as it came into contact with a boot.

He fought to remain conscious as blow after blow reigned down on him. As he felt the boot this time make contact with his already pounding head he could no longer keep his eyes open and lost his battle with consciousness.

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Once again he was jolted awake by the loud banging on the door of his once again pitch black cell. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept, it seemed like an eternity. The Branalians were attempting to break him by depriving him of sleep, food and barely allowing him enough water to stave off dehydration.

In combination with the sleep deprivation the beatings had continued, even the slightest movement now caused him immense pain, not that he had the energy to move anymore anyway.

He had no idea how long he had been a prisoner of the Branalians but each time they came for him to drag him away for another round of interrogation he became less and less hopeful that his team were coming for him. It scared him to think that they may be unable to mount a rescue because he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out. He would have been able to handle the beatings, having had his fair share of them in the past, but for the sleep deprivation weakening him both mentally and physically.

If it were only his life on the line he would have given in by now, but these people were actually asking him to activate a weapon left by the ancients, so that they could wipe out their enemy. Yes he had killed before, the sixty genii soldiers that had died during the siege still played on his mind, but he was not going to be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people, just because he was too weak to withstand this torture. He kept telling himself that he had to hold out, that it would just be a matter of time before he was rescued, but he wasn't sure how much longer he could resist.

As he lay on the hard stone floor, cold, exhausted and hungry he heard someone call his name.

"Sheppard"

"Wah" he replied wearily, not bothering to open his eyes, even that simple one word required too much energy

"Sheppard, wake up"

"Very funny McKay, Go away" with as much force as he could. McKay! Finding a sudden burst of energy he jerked upright, his broken ribs protesting the movement, as he opened his eyes. Standing in front of him was Rodney McKay surrounded by a bright light, stunned, Sheppard asked,

"Am I dead?"

"God, sometimes you can be so dense" McKay griped "For you to be seeing me then I'd have to be dead too, which I'm not by the way. So no you are not dead."

"Ookay, so not dead?"

"Didn't I just say that. Maybe I should say it again slowly No…not…dead. I'm simply an image conjured up by your sleep deprived mind."

"Okay so what so you want?"

"How the hell should I know, I'm you hallucination. I do know that you want to give in, you're not sure how long you can hold on. I'm sure if I were in your situation you'd tell me to hold on, that you would come for me Major." Seeing Sheppard frown he corrected himself "I mean Colonel. Seriously how do you expect me, I mean the real me to remember that when you can't even remember yourself."

"Geez McKay you manage to annoy me even when you're not here. What if they don't come. I can't allow myself to activate that weapon. I just can't."

"You know they'd never leave you behind."

"Do I, do I really. Well then where are they, huh? Why am I still here?"

Alcon stood outside Sheppards cell listening to him talking to the imaginary McKay. He smiled triumphantly before ordering the guard to open the cell. He was so close to breaking Sheppard, this time he was sure he would get what he wanted.

A/N: All reviews are greatly appreciated as always, and I will try to update a little sooner this time!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks to everyone that have reviewed so far. Sorry it took so long I think the plot bunnies went on vacation. I have to thank my Dad who betad this for me, although all mistakes are my own.

"Look Elizabeth, there's nothing more we can do" he sighed heavily before adding quietly "I can't fix this."

She wavered slightly as his words sunk in,

"Rodney, you've been at this for over two weeks, surely you must have found something."

"Well, yes you would have thought so, wouldn't you, but no I have found nothing that could give us any indication of where Sheppard is. You know that I would never admit this lightly but there really is nothing I can do. I'm sorry" he added

"I know you're right, it's just so hard to accept that he's never coming back."

McKay moved gingerly around to Elizabeth's side of the desk, ignoring the fact that several people were now staring at them through the glass walls of her office, he pulled her into a strong embrace as she wept, struggling against the stinging tears welling in his own eyes.

This was it. This time he couldn't save his CO, and dare he say it friend. This time there would be no last minute reprieve. No plan to save the day.

Sheppard had sacrificed himself to save Mckay, probably confident that once his team got back to Atlantis they would go back for him. This time there would be no rescue, they had no idea what planet they had been on, or even how they had got there. There was just know way of locating him, they had committed the cardinal sin, they had left a man behind.

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Sheppard was barely conscious as they entered his cell. He wasn't aware of the strong hands grabbing him, as he was dragged down the now all too familiar hallways. He wasn't aware of the smirking face of Alcon as he was forced into the ancient chair. He wasn't even aware of the ever present hum that ran through his body as the chair came to life beneath him.

Alcon stood watching as the ancient chair of the ancestors lit up as soon as it came into contact with John. He laughed maniacally, realising that his hard work was about to pay off.

"Sheppard" Alcon prompted, seeing the man was barely awake

"McKay" was Sheppard's slurred response.

Alcon seeing that he could use Sheppard's earlier hallucination to his advantage, replied,

"Yeah, it's me"

"Sooo tired" Sheppard mumbled

"I know you are, you can sleep in a minute OK. First I need you to do something really important." He poked Sheppard slightly as he saw that his eyes were drifting shut.

"Kay" Sheppard replied, focusing all his energy on keeping his eyes open.

"There are wraith on their way, I need you to use the chair to destroy the hive ships."

Alcon watched Sheppard intently as different emotions played their way across Sheppard's face, confusion, fear, determination. It seemed like an eternity to Alcon before Sheppard replied,

"Kay"

Sheppard fought with all his inner strength to stave off unconsciousness. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong., that there was something important he needed to remember, some reason why he shouldn't be activating the chair. Rodney was here though, Rodney would never intentionally put him or anyone else in danger.

It was getting harder and harder to stay awake, harder and harder to focus. Atlantis needed him, Rodney needed him.

Alcon watched gleefully as Sheppard screwed his face up in concentration. He watched the radar screens excitedly as he saw dozens of blips headed towards Nacarus. He watched as Sheppard's eyes closed, this time though he let them stay closed. He had served his purpose. He had succeeded in destroying the Nacarans, once and for all. He signalled to the two guards to remove Sheppard from the chair, he had served his purpose.

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Elizabeth sat in her office pretending to do paperwork. It had been three days since her conversation with Rodney, three days since she had made the decision to give up on the search for Sheppard, it had been one of the hardest decisions she had ever made.

"Elizabeth lass", she was startled back to reality by the familiar voice of Carson Beckett.

"Hi Carson" she replied sheepishly. She knew what was coming, she hadn't been eating or sleeping properly since John had been kidnapped and Beckett had an uncanny knack of knowing these things

"When was the last time you had anything to eat?", he chided.

Just as she was thinking up a half convincing lie she heard the familiar sound of the gate activating. Knowing that there were no teams currently off world she tapped her comm, and asked,

"Are we receiving an IDC."

There was a slight pause as the gate technician checked the laptop. He could hardly believe his eyes as he replied,

"Yes ma'am, it's Colonel Sheppard"

All thoughts off their previous conversation forgotten, they sprinted from her office.

"Lower the shield", she shouted as she made her way down the stairs, followed closely by Beckett, who was already on his comm calling for a medical team.

The dishevelled figure of Colonel Sheppard had barely cleared the gate before he was falling towards the floor. Elizabeth ran to him, catching him just in time before he hit the floor. It scared her how light he was, she had wanted him back desperately but nothing had prepared her for this. She noticed as she held him that she could feel his shoulder blades prominently through his clothes. What little she could see of his body was covered in cuts and bruises. She didn't want to think about the hell that he had obviously been through these past three weeks.

She watched as if from a distance as Carson moved in with his medical team. Gently he was pried from her arms, loaded onto a waiting gurney and wheeled away.

A/N: If you are reading this please review, any and all comments are greatly appreciated J


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry for the delay, but here it is. Thanks to everyone that's reviewed.

The first thing that he became aware of was that his head felt like it would explode, every muscle, even ones he wasn't aware he had made their presence known. His mouth felt like sandpaper, his stomach grumbled ferociously, and he was tired, bone weary tired. Nothing new there then, he thought to himself. Although as he lay there, he realised that something was different. He felt clean and safe.

Preparing himself for the bright light that he could see even through lidded eyes, he cautiously opened them, only to snap them shut again as the pain in his head intensified. He let out an involuntary hiss at the pain.

"Colonel Sheppard? Can you hear me lad?"

He recognised the comforting Scottish accent immediately as belonging to Carson Beckett.

"If you can hear me, open your eyes."

He thought up a few choice words for the doctor at that suggestion, but his voice didn't seem to want to cooperate. He shook his head, hoping that Beckett would notice the barely imperceptible movement, and catch his meaning.

Beckett who had been watching his patient intensely, turned the lights down before adding,

"It's okay, you can open your eyes now, I turned the lights down."

Sheppard tried again to open his eyes finding the tired but smiling face of Carson Beckett staring back at him.

"Welcome back. How are you feeling?"

He tried, unsuccessfully to voice a reply. Carson anticipating Sheppard's need, reached for a cup of ice chips and placed one on his tongue. John swirled the melting ice chip slowly around his mouth, enjoying the sweet relief as the cool liquid ran down his parched throat.

Carson tried again, "How are you feeling lad?"

John decided that he needed to be honest with Carson if he was going to get the good stuff, which he decided he definitely needed.

"Head feels like it's about to explode, everything aches, ribs are hurting, really hungry, and still tired." John reeled off his list of symptoms.

Carson slightly taken aback by the honesty of his most frequent, but reluctant patient replied,

"I'll get you something for the headache and then I'll send a nurse down to get you some food. You've lost a lot of weight, and it's not like you had much to lose to start with. You look like you haven't eaten in days." Carson didn't like the way Sheppard winced at the last statement. "When was the last time you ate Colonel?"

"How long have I been gone?"

Not liking where this was headed Beckett replied, "Three weeks"

"Two weeks, six days", Sheppard stated matter of factly.

"What?"

"You asked how long ago it was since I ate, two weeks, six days."

"They didn't feed you at all?" Carson replied outraged

"Guess they didn't plan on keeping me around to long," Sheppard replied through heavy lidded eyes. He could feel Beckett bustling around him as he drifted back once more to the oblivion of sleep.

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The next time he woke it was to find that the pounding in his head had been replaced by an incessant tapping. Cautiously opening his eyes he found that thankfully the infirmary lights had been turned down. Turning his head to the left he saw that Rodney Mckay had taken up residence by his bed and was now ferociously tapping away on his laptop.

"Rodney?", it had barely been a whisper but thankfully Rodney had heard him. He nearly dropped his laptop as he jumped up,

"Hey you're awake. Finally. I mean come on how much sleep can one man need. Can I get you anything, drink? I should go get Carson, don't move I'll be right back."

Mckay had disappeared across the infirmary before John, brain running at half speed had time to register what he had said. Seconds later he returned followed closely by Elizabeth Weir and Carson Beckett. Carson immediately began fussing with the many wires and monitors that John had up until then failed to notice. I must really have been out of it, he mused to himself.

"How's your head now son?"

"Huh. Oh better thanks doc." At least he hoped that it was the right answer, he had spaced out for a second, brain still not fully functional. He tried sitting up but failed miserably as his broken ribs protested the movement. Rodney rushed forward and raised the head of the bed to a more comfortable sitting position.

"Thanks." He flashed him a weak smile. Seeing Elizabeth staring at him he realised that he must look awful. He was covered in bruises, no part of his body had escaped unscathed from the almost daily beatings, he had lost weight that he could little afford. Beckett had been lecturing him about his weight even before his capture, and Rodney was always telling him that he was too skinny. He was also sporting a three week old beard, which he had discovered from previous experience did not suit him at all. He was clean though, that was one saving grace, although Elizabeth had already seen the state he was in when he had first come through the gate, no wonder she was now looking at him with pity in her eyes. He hated how weak he had become.

"John. Glad to see you're awake, you had us all worried there for a while."

"Yeah well sorry, I had a bit of catching up to do, how long was I out?"

"You've been drifting in and out for about a week" Carson replied

"A week! Well I guess I had a lot of catching up to do. I suppose that's the after effects of not sleeping for three weeks."

There was an uncomfortable silence as Rodney, Elizabeth and Carson exchanged stunned glances.

"It's a bloody miracle you're still alive," Carson exclaimed "Sleep deprivation, coupled with food deprivation and the beatings. It must have been hell."

"To be honest Doc, I can't really remember all that much after the first week. Nothing made much sense, I was having hallucinations, couldn't be sure what was real and what wasn't." He turned to Rodney, before adding "You were there Rodney, well not you obviously but a hallucination you. That's what got me through it, you told me to hold on and that you would come for me. Guess you did, huh. How did you find me anyway?"

Again there was an uncomfortable silence as no one seemed to want the task of telling the Colonel that they had given up on him, and that they hadn't brought him home.

"Um, well, you see, here's the thing" Rodney began nervously, beginning to gesture wildly with his hands. John noticed he did that a lot when he was nervous. "We didn't rescue you. In fact we had given up searching for you. We did everything that we could, I worked for days to find a solution but we just had no idea where you were and…"

"Rodney!" Elizabeth cut in before Rodney could go off on one of his rants. "What Rodney's trying to say is that you made your own way back."

"Yes well I was getting to that part, if you'd just given me a chance." Rodney began, stopping as he caught sight of Sheppard's face, looking up at them with hurt and betrayal in his eyes. That look could not make Rodney feel anymore guilty then he already did. He had abandoned his friend twice, once when he was first captured, then he had given up on any chance of a rescue. Sheppard had been out there, waiting for them to come for him and they had failed him. If roles had been reversed he wouldn't have given up on Rodney, he never had and never would.

"How? Why?" Rodney was snapped from his thoughts by Sheppard's question.

"We were hoping you could tell us that." answered Dr Weir

"It's all just a jumbled mess. I remember that they wanted me to activate some ancient weapon for them. I refused of course, that's when they became heavy handed. Other then that it's all just a blur. Sorry." he added

"You have nothing to be sorry for son," Carson replied "It's quite normal for someone who has been through an ordeal such as you have to experience confusion and memory loss. It should likely come back to you , in time." He turned to Elizabeth and Rodney "Right now, visiting hours are over, my patient needs his rest.

As Rodney and Elizabeth were gently but firmly shuffled out the door, Rodney protesting all the way, Sheppard found himself unable to shake the feeling of loneliness, hurt and betrayal that had settled over him upon hearing that they had given up on him. He was more confused now then ever, trying to piece together the fragments that were his memories of the last three weeks, but nothing would come. He was quickly becoming frustrated with himself for not being able to remember, when he was snapped from his thoughts by a familiar voice.

"Colonel Sheppard? John?", came Carson's gentle probing

"Huh, Oh sorry Carson. Must have spaced out for a minute then."

Carson studied him before replying, "You know it's only natural to be frustrated at your lack of memory."

Carson spooked John frequently with insights like this, it seemed at times as if he was able to read minds. Maybe John was just a little out of practice at hiding his emotions.

John eyed the bowl that Carson had placed in front of him cautiously. It had the appearance of tomato soup but with the cooks on Atlantis one could never be too careful.

He had barely managed five spoonfuls when his stomach was telling him that it was full. Putting his spoon down he looked at Beckett with trepidation. He was expecting a chewing out over how little he had eaten, Beckett always seemed to be commenting on Johns eating habits, telling him he should eat more, and that he was too skinny. He was pleasantly surprised however when Beckett smiled and said, "It's ok Colonel, I didn't expect you to be able to eat much yet anyway, not after three weeks. Now lay down and get some rest" His mind was telling him that a week of sleep was plenty, but he could feel his body betraying him, as his eyes slid closed and he slid into an uneasy sleep.

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_He found himself standing in the middle of a makeshift village, much like the Athosian camp back on the mainland. He was surrounded by tents, people bustling around him, seemingly unaware of his presence. He watched as children ran around him, clearly enjoying the bright summers day. He saw a mother nursing her child beside a roaring fire, with an older woman cooking beside her._

_He heard it first before he saw it. The familiar high pitched whining of a wraith dart as it flew overhead, he watched in horror as the two women by the fire disappeared in the darts beam. As the dart continued to fly overhead, circling for more prey he saw wraith, on foot walking towards the village. Long black cloaks billowing as they marched menacingly towards him and the remaining villagers._

_As they got closer he was horrified to discover that these wraith were him. Well, what he would like look if he were a wraith. All of them the same, all of them him. He watched as the lead wraith began to run towards the group of children who had earlier been playing, now stood frozen with fear. He shouted for them to run but they didn't hear him, didn't even acknowledge that he was there._

_Finding himself unarmed, he acted on instinct and charged towards the wraith. He was momentarily stunned as instead of connecting with the slimy skin of the wraith, he found himself connecting with the cold, hard ground. From his position on the floor he made to grab for the only part of the wraith that he could reach, his ankle, but found that his hand passed straight through it, as if it wasn't even there._

_Powerless to help he found he could only stand and watch as one by one the wraith versions of himself fed upon the defenceless villagers, leaving only dried, desiccated husks in their wake._

He woke with a start to find himself drenched in sweat, heart pounding in his chest, body aching as though he had just ran a marathon, safely ensconced in his bed in the infirmary.

A/N: All reviews welcome and greatly appreciated


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: OK, here it is finally. Had real trouble writing this one. Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed, please keep them coming. Enjoy!

"Colonel Sheppard, are you ok? Would you like me to get Dr Beckett?"

John jumped and turned around too quickly for his still healing ribs, to find Teyla's tired and concerned face looking back at him. Stealing himself against the pain that had flared in his side, he replied, none too convincingly, "No, I'm fine. Just a bad dream."

Teyla raised one eyebrow, as if to say, why-don't-I-believe-you, before replying, "Were you remembering something from your capture?"

"No" John replied, disappointment clear in his voice, he was becoming increasingly annoyed with his lack of memory. "The Wraith, were culling a village, I couldn't stop it." He wasn't about to tell her that his dream had been a hell of a lot worse than that, that he had been the Wraith. Everyone was already looking at him as if he were so fragile he may break any minute, he didn't want them thinking he was losing it as well.

Aware that Teyla would press him for details of the dream, John tactfully changed the subject, "I heard about what you did back on the planet, thanks. He smiled at Teyla before becoming stern, "Never do anything so stupid again."

Teyla was unable to hide her surprise, which quickly turned to hurt, and then anger. "What was I supposed to do, just stand by and let them take you?"

"Yes" Sheppard sighed heavily, "You could have been killed." Silently he thought to himself, _It's bad enough getting through every day knowing people have died because of me. I'm not sure that I could handle another death on my conscience. _Teyla was shouting now. _Great, you've really done it now John, Teyla never shouts._

"You could have died too. You are too eager to sacrifice yourself Colonel. You can not protect everyone all of the time."

"I should be able too, that's my job. To make sure that my team is safe. I'll do anything and everything I have to make sure that they are."

"My job as a friend is to protect you."

"Yeah" Sheppard snapped " Well, maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore, then you wont feel obligated to protect me."

"You do not mean that."

"Yes I do. I'm tired, will you please leave." He rolled over onto his side facing away from Teyla, listening to her light footsteps as she left.

That had been one of the hardest things he had ever done. Teyla was one of the best friends John had ever had, that's why he had done what he had done, to protect her.

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"Morning Colonel. How are ya feeling today?"

"Better," he lied. In truth he still felt terrible, but he wanted to have a shower, and he knew there would be no way Beckett would let him go anywhere if he knew how he was truly feeling. "Can I have a shower?"

"Colonel, I doubt you could even make it out of that bed."

"Oh, come on Doc. Please?" He knew he was whining, but he really didn't care, he just wanted to get back a tiny bit of normality.

"Colonel…" Sheppard was giving him his patented puppy dog eyes "Oh for pete sake. Ok, fine, but as long as you let someone go with you."

Just then Rodney McKay entered the infirmary, struggling under the weight of a tray laden with food.

"Rodney!" John exclaimed joyfully. The tray McKay was holding wobbled precariously as he stood frozen, giving him the look of a rabbit caught in the headlights.

"What? I didn't do anything. Whatever you heard it wasn't me."

"Rodney, relax," Sheppard snapped, stopping the rant before it could continue. "I just want your help, that's all."

Rodney eyed him cautiously, "With what?"

"I want to have a shower, and old mother hen here," he indicated to Beckett, "wont let me unless someone's with me."

"What you think I don't have anything better to do than baby-sit you. I am the resident genius and there's always something that needs fixing, that only I can fix."

"Ok, so what do you have planned this morning."

Mckay opened and closed his mouth several times, giving him the appearance of a fish out of water. "Well, actually, I, er, cleared my schedule so I could come and see you."

This time it was Johns turn to be shocked. Rodney had never taken time off unless absolutely necessary. He always said that his team were incompetent and that there was no way he could take time off, even when he was desperately ill. Yet here he was, taking time off to see John.

Carson could see John was surprised about Rodney's revelation, although he himself wasn't. He had seen how Rodney had been while John was missing, he had nearly worked himself into the ground trying to work out a way to rescue him. "Right then, I see you brought breakfast Rodney, so I'll leave you to eat, then we'll see about that shower. Carson added, before walking away towards his office.

They ate in relative silence, Rodney stopping occasionally to chastise John about how little he was eating, sending the occasional glare his way when necessary.

It wasn't long before Carson was back. "Glad to see you're eating more today, Colonel.

"Mmmm" John mumbled through a mouth full of pancakes. "Can I have a shower now? He looked up hopefully

"Ok, Colonel, but take it slowly, you're still very weak.

"Great! Come on McKay. Move!" he turned to McKay who was still eating.

"What? I haven't finished eating yet," he moaned.

"McKay" Sheppard replied exasperatedly, "you never stop eating. You can finish that later."

"Rodney glared, but ultimately conceded. Sheppard swung his legs over the edge of the bed, the coldness of the infirmary floor reminding him of his weeks in the cold cell back on Branalia. He felt himself waver slightly as he took his first few tentative steps, Rodney hovering close behind him as he shuffled across the infirmary to the showers.

The short walk across the infirmary had left him exhausted and he was beginning to feel drowsy again as he stepped under the warm water of the shower, leaving Rodney outside to wait for him.

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Rodney was beginning to feel slightly panicked. John had been in the shower a long time. What if he's fallen? What if he was unconscious? Was it possible to drown in the shower? Rodney's fear were slightly abated as he heard Sheppard's muffled shouts of, "No, I wont. Rodney! No!"

Rodney ran into the shower to find John huddled in the corner of the shower, with his eyes closed. Rodney quickly realised that he was asleep and was instantly at his side trying to wake him.

"Colonel! Colonel, wake up!" He called, while gently shaking him.

Sheppard jerked awake, and seeing Rodney pushed himself further into the corner. "No, no, go away, leave me alone."

"John, it's me, Rodney. It's okay, you're safe." Rodney saw John visibly relax before,

"Rodney?" John asked tentatively, as if only seeing the scientist for the first time.

"Yeah, I'm here, you're home, on Atlantis."

"I dreamed I was back on Branalia, and you were there, only it wasn't you, it was Alcon." John decided against telling Rodney that for the second time he had dreamed he was a wraith, and that Rodney/Alcon had been goading him into killing innocent villagers. Maybe he really was losing it.

The silence that had filled the room was broken by the angry voice of Carson Beckett. "What the bloody hell are ya up too in here?"

Sheppard looked at McKay imploringly, with big hazel eyes. He knew that if Carson found out about his nightmares he would send him straight to Kate Heightmeyer.

Rodney catching Sheppard's piercing gaze replied, "Sorry, my fault. Got distracted."

"Yah blithering idiot, do you want him to catch pneumonia on top of everything else."

"Look, I said I was sorry, what more do you want?"

"Help me get him dressed and back to bed."

"Hey, I'm still here you know, Sheppard snapped. He was so cold, but he couldn't seem to muster the energy to move. All his body wanted to do was curl up and go back to sleep. He hated how weak he had become. He would have to move though if he was going to get back to bed. There was no way Rodney was going to dress him. "I don't need any help, thanks. I can manage."

"Oh really" Rodney sneered disbelievingly, "here you go Colonel, catch." Rodney threw him a towel. Sheppard tried to catch it but his arm felt like a lead weight, his whole body felt like a lead weight. "Yes of course Colonel. Now let us help."

"Fine", he really didn't even have the energy to argue, so he felt it was best to just do as he was told.

Before he knew it he was practically being dragged across the infirmary back to his bed, his legs having decided to go on strike.

His head had barely hit the pillow before he felt the tug of sleep once more, fighting it all the way he drifted into an uneasy sleep.

A/N: What did you think? Please let me know. All reviews are welcome and greatly appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Thank you to everyone that reviewed.

John had been released from the infirmary two days ago under strict instructions from Dr Beckett to rest. Normally John and Beckett would argue profusely over what constituted rest, this time however there had been no argument. John had agreed to rest in his quarters, and not to do any work, even activating ancient devices was off the list. John knew that his willingness to obey doctors orders had made Carson more concerned about him then he had before, but the truth was that John was just too tired to argue.

For three weeks, sleep had been something he longed for, something he had craved. Since being back on Atlantis it had been something he had tried, and failed to avoid. The nightmares had become more vivid and more frequent. It seemed that every time he closed his eyes Rodney was there, but he would quickly morph into a sneering Alcon, or he would see himself as a wraith, back at the village, killing petrified women and children.

Upon his release from the infirmary Beckett had banished him to his quarters, and that was how he now found himself lying on his bed, the most comfortable bed he'd had in weeks, his still weakened body betraying him once more, as he could no longer force his eyelids to remain open.

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He was back on Branalia, stood in the corner of a dimly lit room, with an ancient chair, just like the one back on Atlantis in the centre. He was puzzled to find that sitting in the chair, was him. Standing next to the chair, was a man he recognised instantly, as minister Alcon. He watched as Alcon talked to the figure in the chair, only the figure was talking to Alcon as though he were Rodney. He watched in alarm as he realised he remembered having the exact same conversation with Rodney, only he now realised that it hadn't been Rodney, he hadn't been on Atlantis, the Wraith hadn't been attacking. Alcon had tricked him. He froze in horror as he watched himself in the chair activate the drones, and saw the blips on the radar as the drones hurtled towards Nacarus. What had he done.

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John woke with a start, the knowledge of what he had done pounding in his brain, his heart pounding in his chest, as he struggled for breath.

He didn't hear the frantic pounding on his door, or see Rodney McKay enter. He didn't even feel the hand on his back until Rodney spoke, "John?"

He looked into Rodney's deep blue eyes, only to have them morph once more into the cold, callous brown eyes of Alcon, "No, no, no, not again, please not again!" John jumped from his bed and stuffed himself into the corner furthest from Rodney, still struggling for every breath, as his eyes frantically searched for a way to escape from this nightmare.

Rodney stood stunned, looking at the pale, shaking form of the man he considered to be the best friend he had ever had. Instinct told him to go to John, to calm him down, but another part of him was scared about how John would react. He clearly wasn't in his right mind right now. He decided to go with his first instinct and slowly, cautiously approached.

"John, it's ok. It's me Rodney. Whatever happened was just a nightmare. You're ok."

John had to stifle a maniacal laugh that he could feel bubbling up in his throat. What did he know, it hadn't been a dream but a terrible reality. Carson had said his memory would return and it had, now he wished he could just forget it all again. Forget the fact that he was a mass murderer, forget the fact that he had committed genocide, forget the fact that he had killed thousands of innocent men, women and children he had never even met, all because his best friend had told him too, he knew that he would never be okay again.

A hand gently squeezing his shoulder grounded him back to reality, to the here and now. The thing was that his reality had totally changed, forever.

"John?" He couldn't look, if he looked Rodney would be gone, Alcon would be back. "John, look at me", he felt a firm hand on his chin, pulling his hazel eyes up to meet the warm depths of Rodney's blue, only this time they remained a calming blue, it really was Rodney.

"Rodney?" he asked tentatively, expecting to see Alcon sneering at him for being so weak. That's what he was, weak and pathetic.

"Yeah, it's me. You're safe now. Just a nightmare." He wrapped his arm tightly around John and waited as the shaking subsided, and his breathing began to even out. "Want to tell me what happened?"

"Not really", how was he supposed to tell him what he'd done. They'd hate him, despise him for being so weak. He would lose the people he had come to consider family.

"Yes, well, why don't you tell me anyway, I don't have anything better to do

"Rodney, you always have something better to do." Rodney didn't react, letting John know that he couldn't change the subject. "I, er, I've been having nightmares about the wraith."

"Ok, and?" Rodney prompted gently.

"And what? Isn't that enough?" John snapped.

"No, not for you to react like that it isn't. I know you, you have frequent nightmares about the Wraith and they do not make you react like that, now why don't you try again. Besides why the hell were you screaming no, not again when you say me?"

"Fine. I dreamed I was a Wraith and I killed you and everyone else on Atlantis. Happy now," he retorted. He knew that Rodney was just concerned and wanted to help but he wanted to be alone, alone to think about what he had done and how to deal with it.

Rodney was slightly taken aback by Johns aggressive manner, but he knew John well enough to know he hadn't gotten the whole truth. Something had gotten Sheppard seriously rattled, and he was determined to find out what. "You're lying," he decided it was best to be blunt.

"What?" John questioned, feeling more and more uncomfortable with the conversation.

"You're lying, I know you well enough to know when you're not telling the truth."

"Rodney," he ran a still shaking through his unruly hair, "I just want to be left alone, okay"

"No, not okay. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on with you."

Something inside of John snapped. He was on his feet before Rodney had a chance to react. He grabbed Rodney's jacket, and manhandled him to the door. He thought the door open just in time to shove the startled scientist through it before snapping it shut and locking it. Rodney stood gaping at the now locked door, not quite sure how to react, as he heard a dull thud, as Sheppard sunk to the floor, no longer to hold the overwhelming emotions at bay, and cried.

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"I'm telling you Elizabeth there is something seriously wrong with Sheppard. That was not normal Sheppard behaviour, hell it wasn't even normal Sheppard behaviour."

"Look Rodney," Elizabeth was getting a headache and really didn't want to have to deal with McKay's over reaction to a situation that probably had a simple explanation. She had seen John only hours before, and he had seemed fine, no hint that that there was anything wrong. "Maybe you just startled him."

"Oh no, no, no, no, he was fine, well, okay he wasn't fine. He looked like he was having a panic attack, until he saw me and he just completely freaked out. I know he was lying about something, there's something he's not telling us. You need to drag his scrawny butt down to Heightmeyer. He needs help!"

"Rodney, he's been through a lot these past few weeks" She noted that Rodney seemed genuinely concerned though, she thought she detected a hint of panic in his voice. "He's scheduled for a check-up with Dr Beckett this afternoon, I'll talk to him about seeing Kate then, ok."

"Thank you," Rodney replied smugly, although he took no pleasure in telling Weir that he thought Sheppard had fallen off the deep end.

A/N: Thanks for reading, now please review. Any and all reviews are greatly appreciated.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Ok, so the next chapter is finally finished, sorry it took so long, this one was so hard to write. Thanks to everyone that reviewed, and I hope that you continue to enjoy.

"Carson, do you have a minute?" Elizabeth had entered the infirmary to find the doctor at his desk, hunched over his laptop.

Carson, not having heard her come in jumped slightly, before turning to face her. "Aye lass, of course. What's wrong? Are you ill?" He eyed Elizabeth with concern, noting the tension lines across her forehead.

"No, no Carson. I'm fine. I wanted to talk to you about John."

"Oh right", Carson relaxed slightly back into the chair, before asking "What about John?"

"Well", Elizabeth sighed heavily before sitting into the spare chair next to Carson's desk. "I just had Rodney in my office, he's really worried about him. He said he woke John from a nightmare and he freaked out when he saw him. I know that John's been through a lot the last couple of weeks, but Rodney seemed genuinely concerned, even a little scared. I just wanted to get your opinion on whether or not we should be worried."

Carson shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to avoid Elizabeth's intense gaze. He hated keeping things from her, especially after seeing the worry in her eyes, but he couldn't break patient-doctor confidentiality. The truth was that John had come to Carson long before his capture, exhausted and on the point of collapse. When Carson had questioned him about it John had admitted to having some pretty intense nightmares, Carson, for the most part wasn't surprised, John held the weight of many deaths squarely on his shoulders, and had always stubbornly refused to accept that they were anybody's fault but his own. From their very first day in the Pegasus galaxy the list had continued to grow, and Carson was honestly amazed that he had managed not to crack under the pressure of the command, that he had had so unceremoniously thrust upon him. He had to say something to the clearly worried woman in from of him though, the best he could come up with was, "He's coming in for a check-up later on today. I'll talk to him, maybe try to get him to talk to Kate" He smiled slightly before adding "Although you know how stubborn he is, when it comes to talking to the base psychiatrist."

"Yeah" Elizabeth gave a half hearted smile in return. The look on his face when she had told him about her conversation with Rodney had only served to intensify her concern for her second-in-command. She could tell that Carson was keeping something from her, but would have to trust that he would tell her if there was anything to be seriously concerned about.

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John found himself waking up stiff, cold and uncomfortable. His mind began to race, panic flooding in as he realised he wasn't in his soft, comfortable bed, instead he lay sprawled out on a hard, cold floor. He felt momentary relief as he entertained the idea that he was still on Branalia, that he hadn't given in, that he had simply been dreaming of hid return to Atlantis.

Reality came crashing down around him the moment that he opened his eyes, to find he was indeed on Atlantis, and had somehow managed to fall asleep on the floor, which made him feel even more guilty. He had just remembered killing thousands of people, and here he was sleeping, as though nothing had happened.

But it had, Rodney had seen him breakdown, it wasn't supposed to be this way. In public he was always Colonel Sheppard, strong, confident leader. It was only in private that he allowed himself to be John Sheppard, coward, failure, monumental screw up. No one here on Atlantis had ever seen John Sheppard, he had decided long ago that he couldn't afford to let people in, reveal his weaknesses, they needed him to be strong, to protect them. But he had failed more times then he cared to admit.

Now he had failed once again, he had let Rodney see John Sheppard, see just how screwed up he really was. He'd seen the look in Rodney's eyes, a look he was unfamiliar with coming from the Astrophysicist, a look of pity, unease. How could he expect him to trust him ever again. How could he expect anyone to trust him ever again once they found out that he was a fraud.

Hell, there'd been a reason he'd been banished to Antarctica to become a glorified taxi driver, and he liked it for the same reason, because there had been no one to protect, no one to get hurt when he failed. And then, BAAM, he sat in that damn chair and everything changed.

He hadn't signed on for this though, had only agreed to come to Atlantis as a glorified guinea pig, he'd only been in Atlantis for one day, and he'd already had to kill his CO. He had no idea how to command, was unprepared for it, but he'd had no say in the matter. After Sumner's death, he had been left as the highest ranking military officer, and everyone had looked to him to protect them, instead he had lead so many to their deaths, too many had died and he felt responsible for them all.

He had been careful to conceal his true self from everyone, had always kept people at arms length, never letting them get to close. Only Beckett had any inkling as to who he really was, and that was only because he had been to weak and pathetic to even be able to sleep without help.

It was all Beckett's fault he found himself in this situation anyway. If Beckett hadn't fired the damn drone, he would never even have seen inside the base in Antarctica, let alone sat in the chair. He would never have come to Atlantis, and all those people would still be alive.

John began to pace his room furiously, before letting out a sharp, "Ha!" He ran a hand shakily through his hair before he found himself looking in the mirror. Pointing a finger angrily at his reflection, he yelled, "What sort of man are you? So pathetic, that you have to blame someone else for the fact you're a failure." Staring at his pale, shivering form in the mirror he realised what he had to do. He ran to his drawers, pulled out some clothes, hurriedly shoved them on and left his room, heading towards the uninhabited parts of the city.

A/N: Please review, I really appreciate all your thoughts and comments.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Thanks once again for all the great reviews. Hope that you enjoy this chapter.

He ran, and he just kept running, focused solely on his final destination. He was oblivious to the worried glances he was eliciting from the Atlantis personnel as he tore through the inhabited parts of the city. He rounded the corner that would take him past the science labs, and down into the uninhabited parts of the city, and ran head long into Rodney Mckay, who had been too engrossed in a new ancient toy to see Sheppard come flying round the corner, knocking him back into the wall.

Putting a hand against the wall to steady himself, Rodney prepared for his verbal tirade, "What the hell do you think you're doing", he began, before looking up to find Sheppard already half way down to the corridor. His anger quickly turned to worry as he called after Sheppard's retreating form, "Sheppard, Colonel?". Realising that he was probably already too far away to hear him, Rodney tried his radio, he tapped his earpiece, "Colonel Sheppard? Answer me, damn it." Getting no answer, Rodney ducked back into his lab to pick up a life signs detector before starting after him. He already had a head start, and although he wasn't back up to full fitness after his kidnapping, he was still faster than Rodney, running just wasn't his forte.

As he headed off through the maze off corridors, Rodney tried his radio again. "Sheppard? Where are you?", no answer again, his worry dialled up a notch.

His radio chirped before he heard Elizabeth's concerned voice, "Rodney, what's wrong with Colonel Sheppard?"

Rodney winced, Sheppard was going to be in serious trouble if Elizabeth, not to mention Beckett, discovered he was running around Atlantis, just days after being released from the infirmary. Rodney's worry for Sheppard over rode his loyalty though, as he replied, "He just ran straight into me, knocked me into the wall, and I think I may have bruised my back, I have a very sensitive back."

"Rodney!", Elizabeth's voice bringing him back to the matter at hand.

"Oh yes, sorry. Anyway, he ran into me by my lab, and just kept running down into the uninhabited parts of the city.

"He did what?" This time Carson Beckett's furious voice blasted over the radio, "What the bloody hell was he thinking?"

"Well, I don't know Carson, since I don't read minds and he didn't seem to want to stop to chat", Rodney was quickly becoming frustrated, he didn't have time to deal with stupid questions, he just had to find John. "Look, I'm headed out after him now. I have a life signs detector, but he's too far out at the moment. Can you get Zelenka to widen the internal sensors to include the uninhabited parts of the city."

"I am on it," this time it was Zelenka's voice that sounded in his ear.

"Rodney kept running until he reached a junction, not knowing which way to turn, he tapped his radio once more, "Zelenka, right about now would be good. I know it's difficult for you to be able to do it without me, but use what little brain you have, and hurry up. This is an emergency," he was becoming more and more anxious.

"Got it!" Zelenka shouted, ignoring the insult, "There is two life signs in uninhabited part of city. One just down from labs, and one in…chair room."

"The chair room, what would he be doing in there?" Rodney snapped, moving from worried to downright confused. They had discovered that Atlantis had a weapons chair, but had been unable to power it due to a lack of a ZPM. No one had been down there for months.

"How should I know, as you said earlier to Doctor Beckett, I am not mind reader", Zelenka snapped back.

"Rodney, go find him, I'll join you momentarily," sounded in his ear "He may need medical attention, he shouldn't even be out of his room, let alone running around half of Atlantis."

Uh, oh. Carson was pissed, John was going to be in serious trouble when they found him, Rodney considered, and it would serve him right for making him chase him halfway through Atlantis.

"Very well, keep me informed," was Elizabeth's curt reply.

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John stood panting, breathlessly, steadying himself against the wall as his legs felt like they'd turned to jelly. His kidnapping had left him weaker than he had realised, both physically and mentally.

He knew that by now Rodney would be looking for him. He had heard his almost desperate calls over the radio, barely able to pull enough oxygen into his burning lungs, he had ignored the hails. He had eventually pulled the radio from his ear when Elizabeth and Carson had joined in the fray, trying to get his attention. But he had to do this, couldn't allow himself to get distracted from what needed to be done, the reason he was here in this room.

He could do this, had seen Rodney do it hundreds of times, needed to find the access panel to the control crystals. If he could just pull the crystals, throw them over the balcony, then Atlantis would be safe, safe from him. Although they didn't have a ZPM, and therefore no way to power the chair, he knew that they would find one eventually, and the chair had already done so much damage in his hands, he needed to prevent it from being able to do anymore.

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Rodney entered the chair room to find Sheppard feverishly circling the chair, looking for something.

"Sheppard?" Rodney asked quietly so as not to startle him, "What are you doing?"

Not taking his eyes from the chair, still pacing, he replied, "The crystals, need to find the control crystals."

Rodney, totally perplexed, and extremely worried by his friends erratic behaviour, stepped closer. "Why do you need the crystals John?" He asked in a calm voice.

"Need to take them out, need to get rid of them, not safe, not safe."

Rodney noticed that Sheppard's movements were becoming more and more erratic, and he looked to be on the edge of tears. He knew there had been something wrong with him, he knew John, better then he'd let anyone believe. He had tried to tell Elizabeth that there was something wrong, but she had simply shrugged off his concerned. Now looking at his friend he for once was not glad to be right, he would have given anything just this once for his assumptions of his friends emotional state to be wrong, but taking in the bedraggled figure in front of him, he realised that he wasn't, he tried to calm him, "Why don't you come and sit down a minute, ok?"

Sheppard pulled away from his grip, and began pacing again, fingers desperately searching over the base of the chair for an access panel. "No! Need to find the crystals. I need to get rid off them. Help me!" He looked up at Rodney with imploring eyes. Rodney not knowing what else he could do to placate his friend, bent down at the base of the chair and exposed the crystals. Sheppard, seeing the crystals, ran round to Rodney's side, shoving him out of the way as he did so, pulled the crystals, and before Rodney could react, he was running out the door, headed for the nearest balcony.

"Damn it!" Rodney yelled to the now empty room, quickly scrabbling to his feet and running after him.

A/N: Thanks for reading, and once again all reviews are greatly appreciated.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Thank you once again for all the great reviews, you guys are great. Hope you enjoy the next chapter.

Rodney's lungs were burning, his legs felt like jelly, and his heart was pounding, through a combination of the sheer effort it was taking to keep up with Sheppard, and the fact that seeing his friend in such a state back in the chair room had terrified him.

Since arriving in the Pegasus galaxy John had been forced to make a lot of hard decisions, do a lot of horrible things, but he had always been strong, taken it in his stride, accepted it as part of his job, or so it had seemed, but something had finally pushed him over the edge, broken him, and Rodney had been to self absorbed to notice.

So many times before, Rodney had stood on the edge, after Arcturus, Gaul's death, the enzyme incident, and John had always been there to pull him back, stop him from falling. Rodney, and apparently everyone else around him had failed to notice just how close to the edge John had been, and he had now taken that final step over the edge. Rodney knew one thing, he may have been unable to stop him falling, but he would be there to catch him.

That was how he now found himself traversing the empty corridors of the uninhabited parts of the city, desperately trying to keep up with the clearly confused, but determined Sheppard, while Beckett and Elizabeth bombarded him with questions. He had tried to fill them in as much as possible, but running flat out, barely pulling enough oxygen into his lungs, didn't really facilitate talking. He could hear Zelenka's voice occasionally joining the others, desperately trying to direct Beckett to John and Rodney's position.

To Rodney's relief he noticed that John was slowing. Finally. Rodney's relief was short lived though as he realised that John was approaching the door to one of the many balconies on Atlantis. Before Rodney could reach him John had stepped out on to the balcony and closed the door.

Running to the door, Rodney steeled himself for what he would find beyond the door. He palmed the door release mechanism, John being the only one with the gene strong enough to activate the ancient technology with his mind, as the door slid open, he let out the breath he had been unaware he was holding with a gasp, as the scene before him registered. John was standing on the wrong side of the balcony, leaning over the clear, blue water of the ocean below

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He hadn't planned it this way, well technically he hadn't planned any of it. As he stood, leaning over the bright blue, sparkling ocean, watching the gentle waves rolling under him, slapping lightly into the side of Atlantis far below, he heard the whoosh as the door opened behind him, and somebody, Rodney, gasped.

No doubt he would try to stop him, convince him not to do this, but he had made his mind up on his run over here, somewhere between the chair room, and the balcony he was now leaning over. He had realised that removing the crystals on the chair wouldn't be enough. The ancients probably had spares, hell, Rodney could probably make new ones of his own. When had taken over the job as CMO, he had sworn that he would lay down his life to protect Atlantis, and the people within her, and that was what he was going to do.

What if Atlantis was attacked, invaded again, or what if he was captured again, he couldn't trust himself not to crack under the pressure. What if he was forced to use the ancient technology on his own people, he had already screwed up too many times, and hundreds of people had died because of him. He couldn't live with himself, with the guilt, and the fear that it would be Teyla, Ford, Elizabeth, Rodney who would die the next time he screwed up, because there would be a next time, there always was.

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"John?", Rodney asked tentatively taking a step closer to the shaking man. No answer, John just stood looking out over the ocean, seemingly in a world of his own. Rodney's heart was thumping, too loudly in his chest as he eyed John's tenuous grip on the railing. "John, please come back over", Rodney pleaded, "whatever's wrong we'll fix it."

"There is nothing wrong Rodney, I'm just doing my job", John replied, never taking his eyes off the ocean.

"Er, John, last time I checked, committing suicide wasn't in your job description, unless I missed that briefing", the retort slipped out before Rodney even had a chance to think.

John laughed a humourless, pained laugh, "No, but protecting Atlantis is."

"What the hell, how is throwing yourself off a balcony going to protect Atlantis? We need you."

"No Rodney, you need protecting from me", this time he turned his head slightly to look Rodney in the eyes, before turning back, and adding a, "goodbye Rodney", before his fingers released their weak grip on the railing, and he felt himself falling

Rodney found his body moving automatically towards the railing, closing the relatively short distance between himself and Sheppard, faster then he would have thought possible. He reached over the railing just in time to grab the scruff of Sheppard's collar, "No you don't, not again, you do not get to run out on me with just a, goodbye Rodney."

It was taking all of Rodney's strength to maintain his hold on the flimsy jacket, whilst keeping himself from joining Sheppard over the balcony, his task was not made any easier by the struggling Air Force Colonel wearing the jacket. Rodney just prayed that Carson would get there soon because he could feel the material slipping through his fingers.

Suddenly Sheppard's struggling stopped, and he looked up, locking his hazel eyes with Rodney's blue, before asking seriously, "Rodney, please, just let go, please." He was stunned, so much so that he almost let go. What the hell was wrong with him? He was actually pleading with Rodney to let him die.

When he finally came to his senses, he realised he was no longer alone on the balcony. Carson was at his side, silently taking his own hold on the newly struggling Sheppard's jacket, who was now swearing profusely at the two men trying desperately to save his life.

Together, Carson and Rodney, using all their available strength, pulled as hard as they could, gradually pulling John up enough that they could each grab an arm. John clearly exhausted after his excursion through Atlantis had ceased struggling, and now hung limply in their arms.

"Please, please, just let go, it's not safe, too dangerous, can't protect you, please."

Carson was shaken, when he had walked onto the balcony to find Rodney desperately trying to hold on to the Colonel, he had hoped that it had just been an accident, Sheppard had slipped somehow, but here he was begging them to let go. Judging by the look on Rodney's face, he was not so surprised by Sheppard's plea, just resigned.

"Son, yah know we can't do that, let us help yah."

"Ha, it's your damn fault I'm in this situation."

What the hell….this time both Carson and Rodney were left reeling by Sheppard's accusation. Acutely aware, however, that Sheppard was still dangling precariously over the edge of the balcony, they both pulled simultaneously. It seemed like an eternity before they were finally able to get the shaking man back over the railing.

They lay, breathlessly in a heap on the cold balcony floor, Beckett pulled a needle from his pocket, and injected the contents into Sheppard's arm before he had a chance to react. He waited as Sheppard's breathing slowed, as he drifted into a medicated sleep.

"What the hell was that?" Rodney snapped, fear for his friends life quickly turning to anger. How could he have missed this, how could they all have missed this.

"I honestly don't know", was Beckett's reply. John was right, this was all his fault, he should have kept a closer eye one him, none of this should have been allowed to happen.

A/N: As always, reviews are appreciated, and gratefully received.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Okay, first of all I want to apologise to you all for taking forever to update. RL, has been crazy, and this chapter was an absolute nightmare to write. But hey, it's finally done, and I hope you enjoy.

Carson hated this, more than any other part of his job, he hated having to look into the eyes of patients families, or in this case the closest thing John had to a family, and deliver bad news.

He walked into the briefing room to find that they were all there. Rodney, Ford, Teyla, and Elizabeth, all turned expectantly towards him as he took his place at the table. He really, really hated this part of his job.

"Carson, how is he?" Elizabeth asked, her voice wavering slightly as she spoke. Johns attempted attempted suicide had shaken them all, more than anyone would care to admit.

"I know we were all hoping that there would be a physical reason for the Colonel's recent behaviour, but I'm afraid there isn't. I've run every test that I could think of, and aside from his still healing injuries from his time with the Branalians, there's nothing physically wrong with him. The Colonel has simply had a breakdown."

"Simply a breakdown, simply a breakdown." Rodney was on his feet, practically screaming at Carson. "He jumps off a balcony, telling me he's doing his job, and you come out with, simply a breakdown, what kind of voodoo crap is that!"

As Rodney's rant deceased a stunned silence filled the room, since John's attempted suicide, a little over three hours ago Rodney had been subdued, barely speaking unless spoken too, even then it had only been one word answers.

"What did he mean by, he was doing his job?" Teyla's calm voice cut through the eerie and uncomfortable silence that had filled the room.

Rodney glared at her, before snapping, "Oh yes, because we had a nice cosy chat in between him telling me he was a danger to Atlantis, and him begging me to let him die, after he decided to take a trip off the balcony. How am I supposed to know?"

"Dr McKay," Teyla was slightly taken aback by the harshness of his words, however anyone who knew Rodney well enough could tell that he was trying to hide his concern for Sheppard. "I was only asking in the hopes that the Colonel may have elaborated on his thinking."

"Oh, well, yes," Rodney blustered, "I don't think there was too much thinking going on at the time. While we were in the chair room he kept saying something about it being dangerous, and that he had to take the crystals out, but he was acting totally irrationally, obviously, demonstrated by his near fatal dive into the ocean. Although he did say one thing that I have to agree with." He turned, this time to glare at Beckett, he added in a quiet but dangerous tone, "He blamed you for all this, and quite frankly so do I."

"Rodney!" Elizabeth exclaimed, shock written all over her face, before turning towards Beckett. Expecting to see shock, anger, hurt, churning in the depths of his blue eyes, instead what she saw shocked her even more, he seemed resigned, accepting. "Carson?"

"Rodney's right lass, I should have seen this coming, it really is my fault for letting it get this far.

"Carson, this is as much my fault as it is yours, I knew how much pressure he was under, he always seemed so strong, I guess I made the mistake of assuming he could handle it."

"I guess we all did."

"Yes, well, as much fun as this little blame game is, what are we going to do to help Colonel Sheppard."

"He should be asleep for a few hours yet. I know that he wont like it, but he's going to have to talk to Kate Heightmeyer. The best we can do for him right now is be there for him, if and when he's ready to talk. It's going to hard, on both him and us, but we're just going to have to be patient, you don't just recover from something like this overnight."

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John watched in horror as the Wraith invaded Atlantis. It had been his fault. He had been captured on a mission, they had tortured him, and once again he had cracked, giving up his IDC.

The Wraith had attacked on mass, taking out the gate room personnel before they had a chance to react, and raise the gate shield. He had watched horrified, unable to move, petrified with fear as one by one every member of the expedition had the life sucked from them, until he was the only one left. He knew his time would come, and when it finally did he welcomed it, longed for the numbing oblivion death would bring. That's why as the Wraith converged upon him, he almost pleaded with him to get it over with, but nothing had prepared him for the searing pain that engulfed his body, and unable to hold back. He screamed, and screamed.

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Carson had been working in his office when he heard him, John was screaming, in agony, fear, both, Carson couldn't tell, as he bolted from his office, over to Johns bed where, despite the restraints, he was thrashing around in the bed.

"Bloody hell!" Carson exclaimed, "Colonel! John! Wake up, it's just a nightmare." Getting no response from the still sleeping Colonel, he placed his hands on Johns shoulders, shook him slightly, whilst adding a little more forcefully, "Colonel! Wake up!"

That did it, John's eyes flew open as he sat up as far as the restraints would allow, breathing heavily. Beckett watched silently as John stared down at the restraints, before looking up at Beckett, his look of confusion quickly changing to that of realisation, and was that, yes, anger. John flopped back down onto the pillow, his breathing more even, and closed his eyes.

"Oh no you don't Colonel, we need to talk," it was Beckett's turn to angry, if Sheppard thought he could just ignore him, he was sorely mistaken.

"No, we don't," Sheppard snapped without opening his eyes, "You need to leave me alone."

"Colonel, you tried to kill yourself, you scared us witless. I know that a lot of things have happened since we came here, and you've been under an enormous amount of pressure. We know what you're going through, and we just want to help you."

"Ha" Sheppard spat, "You have no bloody idea about what I'm going through, none at all, so don't patronise me. And I don't want, or need, your help, I think you've done enough already.

Carson was stunned by John's harsh words. John had never spoken to him like that before, and he didn't quite know how to react, although his words had struck an already raw nerve. In all honesty no one, even here on Atlantis truly knew about all of John's demons, there were so many. So much had happened to this man since stepping through the Stargate almost a year ago, more than anyone else, and they still didn't know all the facts of his three week stay on Branalia. Carson found himself wondering that maybe the Colonel had remembered, and whatever had happened, had finally pushed him over the edge.

"Very well Colonel, if that's how you feel, I'll leave you alone a while. I'll just go and let Elizabeth know you're awake, I'm sure her and Rodney will be along shortly, and you have an appointment with Dr Heightmeyer this afternoon." Carson waited for the argument that didn't come, John hated seeing the base psychiatrist, and usually avoided her at all costs. The fact that John had no objections, unnerved him even more.

John didn't want to see Elizabeth, he really didn't want to see Rodney, and he certainly didn't want to see Kate Heightmeyer, he just couldn't be bothered to fight anymore, knew they would come, even if he did object, although it didn't mean that he would have to talk to them.

A/N: As always, reviews are greatly appreciated!


	13. Chapter 13

John woke to find someone's hand touching his still restrained wrist, he was just about to open his eyes to discover who that person was when he heard the familiar clacking of heels against the infirmary floor.

Elizabeth faltered slightly upon seeing the man before her. The once strong, resilient man who had saved her life more times than she could remember, was now lying in an infirmary bed, wasting away, and she was at a complete loss as to what to do to help him. She lifted her eyes away from John, to meet with Carson's clearly exhausted features. The man had been running himself ragged, blaming himself for John's current state.

"Carson, how is he?"

The pressure on his wrist released before Carson replied, "Not good lass. It's been three days, he wont eat, wont talk, hell he wont even acknowledge my presence. Practically everyone on base has been by to see him, but he just looks straight through them as though they aren't there, that is when he's not asleep. He's extremely weak, he was already dangerously underweight from his stay on Branalia."

"Carson, he can't go on like this, we can't just let him waste away."

"I know, I was hoping that it wouldn't come to this but if he doesn't eat anything by tomorrow I'll have to insert a feeding tube. I really don't want to, but he's going to die if we don't do anything."

Elizabeth stood taken aback by what she'd just heard, there was no way that they could lose him, Atlantis needed him. "Do what you have to do, we need him"

Carson sighed, "Aye if only we could convince him of that, he's just completely given up."

"We can't let him just give up, he's a fighter, not a quitter, he's fought so many times when others would have given up and won, this time's going to be no different."

"Aye lass, maybe that's the problem, he's had to fight for so much since coming here to Atlantis, even before coming to Atlantis, maybe this is just one fight too many."

"I hope not, Carson, I really do." She took hold of John's hand in her own, and he could feel her breath as she whispered in his ear. "Your not a quitter Colonel, you hear me, we're going to get you through this, you're not alone. Whether you like it or not, we're all here to help you."

John wanted to scream and shout, to tell them he didn't need of want their help, he just wanted to be left alone, but he didn't even have the energy to open his eyes, let alone anything else, and found himself drifting back to sleep.

"Elizabeth lass, while you're here, I've been meaning to ask you, if you've seen Rodney, he hasn't been in to see John since, well, you know."

Elizabeth was taken aback by Carson's question, usually when John was in the infirmary, Rodney was almost a permanent fixture, keeping John company.

"Now that you mention it, I haven't seen him since our meeting about John."

Carson frowned, "That's what I was afraid of. It seems that no one's seen Rodney since that meeting, he hasn't been to the mess hall, and no one's seen him in the labs. I know he's taken all this pretty hard, and probably just wants some space, but I'm worried about him. The last thing we need is him in here after collapsing from exhaustion, or hypoglycaemia."

"Elizabeth tapped her earpiece, "Dr McKay." Silence, "Dr McKay please respond." Looking to Carson, the concern evident on her face, she replied, "He's not answering his radio, he could be in trouble. I'm going to go to the control room, see if I can find him with the internal sensors." She took one last look at John before turning to leave.

"Keep me posted," Carson shouted as she left, before looking forlornly down at his patient. "See lad, you may not believe it but we need you, this place is falling apart without you."

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Rodney had lost all track of time, minutes had turned to hours, hours to days, well at least it felt like days ago, that his friend, the best friend he had ever had, had begged him to let him die, and he had no idea why, none of them did, Sheppard had just snapped, 'breakdown' Beckett had said. At that moment Rodney had realised that he was out of his depth, he dealt with machines not people. Give him a broken ancient doodad and he could fix it in a flash, but when faced with the prospect of a broken Sheppard, he's been scared witless, realising that he had no idea how to fix him. That's how he found himself here, on one of the farthest points of Atltantis, free from people, free from the inevitable questioning of why he hadn't visited Sheppard, so that he wouldn't have to admit to feeling scared, powerless, useless.

Rodney's stomach churned at the last thought, that's what John would become if Carson couldn't fix him, useless. Like the broken Ancient tools in Rodneys lab, that had no hope of ever working again, were tossed aside, and forgotten about, would the same happen to John, shipped back to Earth, forgotten about.

Realisation dawned on him, that although he may not know how to fix John, the same could be said for most of the Ancient tech when they first arrived, they'd all had to learn through trial and error, and Rodney was a quick learner. Maybe he could fix Sheppard after all, he at least owed him enough to try.

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Elizabeth was at her wits end, worrying about her AWOL scientist. It turned out no one had seen him since 'the incident', as she was now referring to it. She had search parties out looking for him, with Zelenka stationed at the internal sensors, but so far all their efforts had proved futile, it was as if Rodney had simply disappeared.

She was a little more than shocked then when she rounded the corner into the infirmary on her way to visit John to find Rodney, slightly dishevelled, sat in the chair next to John's bed, engaged in what Elizabeth could only describe as a staring contest. John lay, hazel eyes staring unblinkingly into Rodney's exhausted blue. Neither one spoke, or even so much as twitched, and Elizabeth found herself compelled to join in, just staring, waiting to see who would blink first, both men being the two most stubborn men she'd ever met, she wouldn't like to put money on the outcome.

She jumped, catching herself before she screamed, as she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"I see you found Rodney then," Carson whispered, careful not to reveal their presence.

"Well, he found us. Guess he just needed a little time to himself. I'm just glad he's okay."

"Now that he's back, maybe he can help the Colonel, he trusts Rodney, more than me right now. The fact that he's even acknowledging his presence is a good sign. I don't mean to be rude lass, but maybe you could come back tomorrow, give them time alone to talk."

"Yes, of course. Would you care to join me in the mess for a cup of coffee?"

"Aye, that would be nice. I could use a break."

They glanced across briefly at the two figures on the other side of the infirmary before making their way to the mess.

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Rodney who had been all too aware of their presence, broke the silence, "Right now that they're gone, I think you owe me an explanation. What the hell was that back there on the balcony?" Rodney had been seething with anger over John's actions and there was no holding back now that he'd started. John, however, lay unmoving staring at Rodney, showing no signs that he had heard him.

"Answer me damn it, we need you, how are we supposed to do this without you."

"You're better off without me, I'm a liability, a danger to Atlantis."

Rodney was fuming now, "Yeah well you keep saying that, but as yet, I've had no proof, all I have is proof to the contrary, proof of how many times you've saved my arse, and the collective arses of everyone in this city."

John turned his head away, and closed his eyes, hoping Rodney would get the message and leave. The next thing he knew, he felt the restraints, still secured around his wrists and ankles being unbuckled. He opened his eyes and turned his head to find Rodney standing by the side of his bed with a wheelchair. He looked at Rodney inquisitively.

"Come on, we're going for a ride", Rodney indicated to the wheelchair.

"I don't think so McKay."

"Look, you want me, and everyone else to leave you alone, right?"

"Yes!" Sheppard snapped

"Well then, you show me why you think you're a danger to Atlantis, and if it's good enough, I'll get everyone to leave you alone."

"You'll let me die?" Sheppard asked disbelievingly.

Rodney winced, before replying, "Yes, I promise", athough he had no intentions of keeping his promise. The whole point of this exercise was to convince John of what everyone else saw when they looked at him, a strong, confident, hero.

"Ok," the reply was so quite it was almost imperceptible. John would agree to Rodney's plan, knowing that Rodney had no intentions of keeping his promise, but John knew that they would all change their minds about him once the truth came out.

Rodney helped John into the wheelchair, John legs having buckled the moment he tried to stand up, Rodney had caught him, and got him into the wheelchair with surprising ease. Rodney was horrified at how light John was, and at how he had been able to feel John's ribs and backbone through the scrub top.

Once Sheppard was settled, Rodney began to wheel him out of the infirmary as fast as he could, aware that Beckett would be back any minute. He felt sorry for the nurse on duty, who had not been around to stop them, knowing that she would be in trouble once Beckett returned, but he really didn't care, he had a job to do, a Colonel to fix.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Thanks as always for all the great reviews. And I think we're nearing the end of this story, probably a couple of chapters to go after this one.

Carson entered the infirmary to find his only patient missing, in his place a note had been left on the empty bed.

_Carson, _

_Taken John for a walk. Seeing as no one else around here is capable of fixing him, it seems once again that I have to save the say. I mean seriously, I take a couple of days off, and you just break him even more. You people really need to get in the habit of fending for yourselves._

_Rodney_

_P.S. Er, if this doesn't work and we're not back in a couple of hours, we're down in the chair room._

_P.P.S. And don't even think about calling Elizabeth, and coming down now because this will work, and if necessary between Sheppard's gene and my brain we can keep you away._

Beside the note was a headset, Rodney's headset.

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Thankfully Rodney managed to avoid running into anyone as he pushed John through the dimly lit corridors of Atlantis.

Rodney really had no idea what he was going to do or say once they reached the chair room, he was just making it up as he went along. He had decided to take John to the chair room because that's where it had all started. John had always loved the chair, ever since he had first sat in it back in Antarctica, Rodney could see it in his eyes, the same look that he got when he was flying. But that day the love had been displaced by hate, fear. John had been scared, more scared than Carson when he was around Ancient technology, which was saying something.

That's why Rodney had brought him here, not knowing if he was doing the right thing or not, or how John would react, but he had to know what had changed, knew that the chair held the key to it all.

Rodney hadn't told John where they were headed, but he had been able to work it out himself, he knew this route so well, had been down here so many times. He could feel his heart beginning to pound in his chest, just as the butterflies were released in his stomach, as they drew nearer to the chair room. The thing that once held beauty and wonder, now only held destruction and death.

As they rounded the corner, had John been walking he would have stopped. He really couldn't go in there, but Rodney kept pushing, unaware of John's distress.

Rodney palmed the door to the chair room open and John felt like his heart was trying to pound out of his chest, the butterflies in his stomach had been replaced with a herd of elephants, he couldn't breathe. He jumped as he felt a hand connect with his own before Rodney's face swam into view. He could see Rodney's lips moving, but couldn't make out the words above his own gasping breaths.

"John. John!" Rodney was panicking, he hadn't been expecting this kind of reaction from the usually unflappable military leader. He'd faced Wraith, Genii, he'd even volunteered for a suicide mission in a puddle jumper without even batting an eyelid, and here he was having a panic attack over a chair. "John, look at me," he squeezed his arm reassuringly, as John turned to face him. "Nice, slow breaths, okay. In, and out, in and out." Keeping up the mantra, as much to calm himself, as John. After what seemed an eternity John's breathing began to even out, and Rodney could see him visibly relax slightly. "Are you okay?"

John simply shook his head, not sure he could trust his voice at the moment. He could breath again, but his heart was still going a mile a minute, and the elephants were still stampeding.

"Okay, well I'll tell you what. I'll just sit here quietly.."Rodney noticed the smirk that crossed John's lips. "Hey, I'm capable of being quiet."

"Yeah right McKay, whatever you say." Rodney wanted to jump for joy, the John Sheppard everyone knew and loved was still in there somewhere.

"Anyway, I'm just going to sit here until you're ready to talk."

An eerie, uncomfortable silence settled across the room, and it seemed like an eternity before John spoke, "You remember when I told you I liked Antarctica."

"Yes"

"Well, I really did. Like it I mean."

"Okay" Rodney had no idea where this was going, but at least it was a start. " I always suspected you were crazy but that just confirms it. How could anyone like that frozen wasteland, I couldn't wait to get away."

John's face paled, if that was even possible before he replied, sombrely. "It was just me. No one relying on me to protect them. No one to get hurt when I screwed up, and that's just the problem McKay. That's me, John Sheppard, intergalactic screw up. When Carson sat in that damn chair my whole life changed. The only reason I got picked for this mission in the first place was because of the stupid gene. I was only supposed to play guinea pig for all your Ancient toys.

It was Rodney's turn to get angry now, jumping up from his place on the floor, he began to pace the room. "Is that why you blamed Carson out on the balcony, because he sat in the chair?" He rounded on John, "Bloody hell, you selfish bastard, you know what, I'm glad you ended up sitting in that chair that day, because I for one wouldn't still be here without you. Heck, everyone in this city owes you their lives at least twice."

"What about all the people who died because of me. All the people killed by the Wraith, because I woke them up, Sumner, because I shot him, Gaul, Abrahms, because I made a wrong command decision, and…." John's breath hitched as the words caught in his throat.

"Come on John, tell me please. I promise I'm here for you, we all are. We just want to help you," kneeling down in front of John Rodney could see pain locked within John's hazel eyes. To Rodney's dismay John looked away before whispering,

"Don't' make promises you can't keep."

"Hey, look at me. John look at me." Rodney spoke with more force. John turned his head to once again lock eyes with Rodney. "Do you think so little of me, that you think I would abandon you when you need me the most."

"I did"

"What?" Rodney could feel himself getting angry again, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"After Arcturus, you needed me, and I wasn't there for you."

"That was totally different. I deserved that."

"You only blew up 5/6 of a solar system, you didn't deserve it."

For the second time that day Rodney was stunned into silence, _only blew up 5/6 of a solar system_, how much worse could it get. He was about to say as much to John when he noticed that he was shaking, and his breathing was becoming laboured.

"I killed them. You told me to use the chair, and I killed them."

Rodney removed his jacket, and placed it gently over John's shoulders, although he knew the shaking was from emotion, not cold, but it was the only thing that he could think to do, before placing a reassuring hand on John's arm. "Tell me what happened John."

"I killed them. I thought it was you, you said the Wraith were attacking Atlantis. I was so tired, but you said I had to activate the chair." John could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, "But it wasn't you, it was Alcon. And….and I killed them all."

"Who John? Who were they?"

"The Nacaran's. I murdered them all Rodney. Hundreds of people. Men, women, children." John lost his tenuous grip on his emotions, tears flowing down his cheeks, shaking uncontrollably. He was aware of strong hands grabbing his arms, helping him to stand, before he was being lowered to the ground.

Rodney grabbed him tightly, pulling John's skinny frame into a tight embrace, tears flowing down his own cheeks, as he held his distraught friend.

He had no idea how long he sat there rocking John as the tears continued to flow. He heard the doors whoosh open, and whoever had entered gasped. They must have looked a state.

A/N: Please review!


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: First of all I want to apologise for this taking so long to update. I can't believe that it has actually been months since the last chapter. RL has been extremely hectic, what with end of year exams, and then working stupid hours over the summer. Anyway, sorry again for the long delay. This chapter is about 3x as long as previous ones, in an attempt to make up slightly for taking ages. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

Carson stood, slightly taken aback by the scene before him as he entered the chair room. Rodney sat on the floor, protectively cradling the shaking figure of John, who was clinging to Rodney like a drowning man to a lifeboat, his face turned away from Carson into Rodney's chest, his body shaking as he cried.

Rodney turned red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes towards Carson as he cautiously approached the two men. Kneeling down, so that he was beside them, he asked "Rodney? Are you okay?"

Rodney felt John jump slightly as Carson spoke, he had not seen, and obviously hadn't heard the doctor approach. Rubbing John's back soothingly, he whispered, "Hey. It's okay. It's only Carson." Turning his attention back to Carson, he replied, "Not really. But I think we need to get John back to the infirmary."

"Aye, I think you may be right." Looking down at the forlorn figure of John still clutching desperately to Rodney, showing no signs of letting go anytime soon, Carson added, "Although I'm not altogether sure how we're going to manage it with you two attached like that. Care to fill me in on what's been going on."

"NO!" John's head snapped up as he turned pleading hazel eyes on Rodney, before burying his head back into his jacket. What Rodney saw in John's eyes in those few seconds startled him even more than John's reaction. John was terrified, of Carson. Of Carson finding out what he had just told Rodney.

Rodney grabbed John's chin, and lifted it gently so that their eyes locked once again. "Hey, it's just Carson. He's your friend. He just wants to help."

"NO!" John shook his head free of Rodney's grasp before replying, in almost a whisper, "You can't tell him, he'll hate me."

"What the…Why the bloody hell would I hate you. I'm your friend John, we just want to help you. Why won't you let us in."

"You'd think differently if you knew what I'd done. What a pathetic, weak loser I really am."

"Shut up!" Rodney's voice echoed around the almost empty room, "I'm not going to sit here and listen to your berate yourself anymore. As much as you'd like not to be, you're human, and part of being human means that we have limits. I know this is a new concept for you Colonel but you can't do everything or save everyone. So okay, yes you killed all those people," Rodney heard Carson's sharp intake of breath, but he ignored him, focusing solely on John, "But did you really have a choice? You were doing what you always do. What seems to be hardwired into your brain somewhere. You were protecting Atlantis." As John opened his mouth to protest, Rodney cut him off. "Ok, so in hindsight you were tricked, but is that really your fault. It was that bastard Alcon's fault that all those people died John. Not yours. And moping around, alienating yourself from everyone is not going to change anything. What happened, happened. You need to move past it. If not for yourself, then for us. We," He glanced up at Beckett, who was still standing, staring open mouthed at the scene in front of him, "we need you. Because really we can't do this without you."

"Rodney's right lad" Beckett knelt beside the pair, trying to ignore the way that Sheppard jumped when he placed a hand on his exposed back. "I won't even pretend to know what you've been through but whatever happened to you on that planet, You can't let it beat you. You're stronger than that. And you're not alone, no matter how much you try to push us all away. We're all here for you, and we're going to get you through this."

John wanted to scream, and shout, and to tell them to just leave him the hell alone. Beckett was right, he did have no idea what John had been through. And despite what Beckett said about them all being there for him, he couldn't help but wonder for how long. How long would it be before they discovered the real John Sheppard, the one that everybody else in his life had seen. How long before he would be alone again.

"Look doc," John shakily tried to stand, using the wall for support. "As much as I appreciate the sentiment. I will say the same thing to you, as I said to Rodney, don't make promises that you can't keep."

Carson watched in horror, as he saw John's eyes roll into the back of his head, before he was hurtling towards the ground. Medical training kicking in, Carson was knelt beside the unconscious John, checking for a pulse.

"Carson? Carson? What's wrong? Is he ok? Oh God, please let him be ok." Rodney was at John's other side, the worry evident on his face.

Carson sighed. "Rodney. I can't give you an honest answer. I hope that he'll be ok. Right now he's just passed out from sheer exhaustion. We need to get him back to the infirmary, where he should have been all along." Carson couldn't help but let some of the anger he was feeling show in his voice.

"Look. I'm sorry ok. I thought I was doing the right thing. You should realise by now that I am no good with people. Anyway. We can argue about this later. Right now I think we should get Sheppard back to the infirmary."

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Watching as Rodney kept a vigil by Sheppard's bedside he doubted that anything less than Atlantis being in mortal peril from a Wraith invasion would move him from Sheppard's bedside, and even then it would be a struggle.

It was strange seeing how the relationship between the two had blossomed. From all outward appearances it would seem that Sheppard and Rodney hated each other, instead, against all the odds they had formed an extremely close bond. Of course, Carson knew, if questioned about their relationship, they would deny it. Rodney claiming that he didn't have time for friendship, especially with a grunt like Sheppard. And of course, Sheppard would claim that he had always been alone, didn't need, or want friends, and that Rodney was just an arrogant, pain in the arse.

But when it came down to it, Sheppard had trusted Rodney alone to reveal his deepest, darkest secrets too, and Rodney was here now, refusing to budge until Sheppard woke up, even though it had already been two days, and he was bordering on exhaustion. There was just no reasoning with the man.

"Carson" It had only been a whisper so as not to disturb Rodney, who had actually managed to fall asleep on one of the infirmary chairs, but Carson still jumped. He turned around to find Elizabeth Weir, clearly trying not to laugh at his reaction. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"Oh yes, you really sound like you mean it," Carson replied sarcastically. At Elizabeth's frown, he added, "Sorry, I mean. Anyway," he continued tactically changing the subject, "What are you doing up at this late hour?" Carson followed her gaze, which fell upon the sleeping forms of John and Rodney. "Aye, I figured as much."

"Has there been any change?" Elizabeth couldn't hide the concern from her voice. Atlantis couldn't afford to lose it's Military Commander, or it's Chief Science Officer. And she was afraid that it might end up that way, with Rodney in the bed next to Sheppard, if the pilot didn't wake up soon.

Carson sighed, before directing her to his office where they could talk more freely. Taking a seat, and directing Elizabeth to do the same, he began, "There's been no change to the Major's condition, and quite frankly I didn't expect there to be. I'm afraid I had to insert a feeding tube, which I know the Major won't appreciate when he wakes up, but I had no choice, his weight was plummeting to dangerous levels before this, and with him being unconscious, lets just say he was going to die if his body didn't get any nourishment. He's still got a lot of sleep to be catching up on. I expect, or rather hope, as much for Rodney's sake as his own, that he'll wake up tomorrow. As for Rodney, I'm worried about him. He's asleep now, but that's the first time in two days. He's hardly eaten a thing, and is still refusing to leave the Colonel's side, except to go to the bathroom, and even then it's reluctantly. And I tell you Elizabeth, I don't think I've ever seen him move so fast. He's afraid to leave John's side. When I questioned him about it, he said that he didn't want John to wake up, and think that he'd abandoned him."

"Why would he think we'd abandoned him, he knows we'd never do that." All her diplomatic training was out the window. She knew she was letting her anger show through in her voice, but she really didn't care.

"We all know that John would do anything for anyone of us. That he would never leave anyone behind. Lord knows he's scared us to death enough times to prove it, but it seems that John doesn't think that it extends to him. Especially after what happened to him, what he was forced to do." Carson added sadly. "He told Rodney not to tell me, because he thought I'd hate him."

"John's been hurt a lot in the past, abandoned when he's needed people the most. I guess he's just afraid it'll happen again."

"Aye. I think the best, and probably only thing we can do right now is just show him that we're here for him, and we're not going anywhere. Anyway, I think it's about time that I should try and convince Rodney to sleep on the bed next to John's, he's going to get an awful crick in his neck sleeping on that chair, and he already complains about his back enough as it is."

"Yes. Absolutely." Elizabeth stood, and began to make her way across the infirmary. "Well, you'll let me know if there's any change."

"Aye, of course. You'll be the first to know. Along with Teyla and Ford. I could barely get rid of them two either earlier, but I managed to convince them they'd be in a better position to aid the Major in his recovery if they weren't exhausted. They're not quite so stubborn as Rodney."

Elizabeth smiled affectionately, "I don't think anyone's quite as stubborn as Rodney."

"Aye, you're probably right there."

Elizabeth took one last glance at the sleeping pair as she made her way to the exit. "Well, night Carson. And make sure you get some rest yourself. It's all very well lecturing other people."

"Aye, practice what you preach, and all that. I'll try. I promise."

"Thank you. Goodnight."

"Night love."

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John's whole body felt heavy, and achy. He was tired, and wanted nothing more that to just drift back into oblivion where the voices couldn't bother him. Except the voice was insistent, and didn't seem to be going away anytime soon. He was being told to open his eyes, easier said than done, his eyelids felt like they weighed a tonne.

After what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably only a couple of seconds, the blurry, smiling face of Carson Beckett swam into view.

"That's great Major. Glad to see you're finally back with us."

"Wh…" John wanted to ask what happened, but his attempt at communicating had quickly dissolved into a coughing fit.

"Here, suck on this, it'll help." Carson placed an ice chip on his tongue, and it felt like heaven to his parched throat.

He tried again, "What happened?"

"You collapsed, down in the chair room. Scared the life out of Rodney. Didn't do much for me either."

At the mention of Rodney, it all came flooding back. How he's managed to lose the best friend he'd ever had. He hadn't expected Rodney to be here, of course he hadn't, not after his little breakdown in the chair room, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt.

"Typical. Just typical. I sit in that damn, uncomfortable chair for three days, which by the way has done nothing for my back, waiting for you to wake up. And then you decided to wait until I had to use the bathroom to finally rejoin the land of the living.

John was stunned, didn't quite know what to say. Of all the things he had been expecting, Rodney having been camped out in the infirmary for, three days, he'd been unconscious for three days, hadn't even crossed his mind.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

"Rodney" Beckett chided. "The Major has just woken up. The last thing he needs is you in his face, not letting him get a word in edge ways. Give him a minute."

"Fine." Rodney pouted like a petulant child, before retaking his place in the chair next to John's bed. He sat silently while Carson did his checks on the Major.

All the while, John sat unmoving, staring silently at Rodney, before he finally blurted out, "Why?"

Rodney glanced at Carson, who simply shrugged his shoulders, before returning his attention to John. "Why what?"

John thought that was pretty obvious, even to his sleep fogged brain. "Why are you here?"

Rodney sighed, before putting on his best I'm talking to a moron face, which John had seen used countless times before. "Because, you're my friend. Because you scared the crap out of me the other day, and I needed to be sure that you weren't going to do anything stupid again. Because of the little matter of the promise that I made to you, the one about me not going anywhere, and I always honour my promises. And because I need to get it through that thick head of yours that no matter what, you can't get rid of me that easily."

"You know, talking of promises. I remember you making me another promise before you took me out of the infirmary."

Rodney winced. Of course he had remembered the promise he's made to John, he'd just hoped that John would have forgotten.

"Oh aye, and what promise would this be then?" Crap, Rodney had completely forgotten about Carson.

"A promise that I remember having conditions attached, conditions which have not been fulfilled, and therefore said promise is null and void. The only person you're a danger to is yourself."

John was trying to think of a reply when Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ford entered the room.

"John, it's great to see you awake. You're looking better." In reality Elizabeth thought that John looked worse awake then he had done while he was asleep. At least while he was unconscious he had looked peaceful, now the tension was all too visible, while the feeding tube that Carson had inserted, stood stark against his thin pale face. He looked fragile, as though he could shatter at any minute, and she hated seeing him like this. But she knew that she had to be strong for his sake.

"Major Sheppard, it is good to see that you are feeling better. News of your illness has spread to my people, and they have all sent there best wishes, and hope you a speedy recovery."

"Hey Major." John couldn't help but notice that Ford was uncomfortable, and he didn't blame him. Who wouldn't be uncomfortable around a mass murderer, he was probably only here because Elizabeth had ordered him too. "You need to hurry up and get better sir. Because the paperwork's mounting up. I may be in charge by default, but there's no way that I'm dealing with all the paperwork that goes with this job as well."

John had had enough of their platitudes "Why are you here? What do you want from me?" John snapped. They stood there, pretending to be his friend, and he had no idea why. Why keep up the façade any longer. They had clearly all discovered what he was really like, why would they want anything to do with him, after what he'd done. Everyone else in his life had abandoned him at one time, or another, why should this time be any different.

Elizabeth was taken aback at John's almost violent reaction to their presence. "Where else would we be? We care about you John. No matter what may have happened, what you may have been forced to do. It doesn't change the fact that we're you friends, and that we're here for you no matter what. We really need you to get better, because, really we can't do this without you."

"The only reason that I made it on this mission was because of my stupid gene. Everyone else here was picked because they are the best and the brightest. What was I before I came here, a fuck up soldier, who had been banished to the ends of the Earth, because all I ever do is cause death and destruction. I think that you can manage perfectly well without me. You have several people, thanks to Beckett, who can operate the ancient systems, so I don't think that me and my gene will be that much of a loss when I go back to Earth. Now if you'll excuse me I'm tired." With that John rolled over onto his side, facing away from them, trying to calm his breathing. That had been one of the hardest things that he had ever had to do.

Carson, Elizabeth, Ford and Teyla, stood silently, momentarily stunned by John's behaviour, Rodney most of all, who had been hoping that once John realised that they weren't just about to give up on him, he'd snap out of his current state, and return to being the John Sheppard that they knew and loved. But it wasn't going to be that easy. He did know one thing for sure though, there was no way that he was going to let John return to Earth. No matter what John said, or indeed thought, they needed him, and he wasn't about to give up that easily.

A/N: Thanks for sticking with me on this, and any reviews would be greatly appreciated, just to let me know people are still reading, if nothing else. Anyway, I've made a start on the next chapter, and I think that there will probably only be another couple of chapters after this one. I'll do my best to update as soon as possible, and I promise that the wait will be nowhere near as long for the next chapter. 


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Thanks again to everyone for reading, and a big thanks to those of you who reviewed, I was ecstatic that there are so many of you still sticking with me on this. Just a couple of notes on this chapter, firstly I have to apologise for the lack of Sheppard in this chapter, but I promise that it is all integral to the story, and Sheppard will be back full force in the next chapter.  
Secondly, I have taken some liberties with this chapter, and have gone slightly AU. It wasn't until I got half way through writing this that I realised that they didn't have a means of returning to Earth until the 2nd series, whereas this story is set in the first. But I decided that I liked the ending I have planned too much to change it, so it's going to stay slightly AU from now on. Anyway, on with the story.

"You can not be serious?" Judging by the solemn faces that met his own he could only conclude that they were.

"Rodney, I don't like this anymore than you do, but I really don't see that we have a choice."

Rodney hated the way Carson was being so damn calm, and clinical about this. As if John was just another patient. But then had the rational part of his brain been working, he would have figured out that, that was the only way that Carson could cope, could deal with treating his sick and injured friends everyday. Unfortunately for Carson, Rodney wasn't thinking rationally lately, not while his best friend wasted away in the infirmary.

"Of course we have a choice." Rodney snapped, springing from his chair, hands gesticulating wildly, as they often did. "There's always a choice, and this one is clear. Sheppard needs us. His friends, his family." He was glaring now at Ford, and Teyla who had so far failed to back him up. And he couldn't help the small glimmer of satisfaction that he felt, as he watched Ford squirm uncomfortably in his seat. "You may not see it, because you don't want to see it, but down in that chair room I didn't have a choice. He isn't just Major Sheppard, Military Commander, or Major John Sheppard, Superman. He's simply John Sheppard, an ordinary human being, who has been forced to do some extraordinary things. I know it's difficult, for all of us to see him, so…broken. But he needs us, and I think that we can safely say without argument that we need him. I made him a promise, and I don't intend on breaking it."

As he became more and more agitated, he hadn't noticed Elizabeth approaching him. She placed her hand, gently but firmly, on his shoulder, and lead him back to his previously vacated seat, where he sat silently, deflated, his eyes tracking her past the shocked, but silent faces of his team, Sheppard's team, as she made her way back to her own seat.

She sighed heavily, before clasping her hands together, and laying them on the table in front of her. She looked around at the four mournful faces in front of her, before taking a deep breath, and replying, "We all honestly know how you feel Rodney, but we have to think about John, and what's in his best interests. You've tried Rodney, we all have, there's nothing more we can do. We can't provide John with the help that he obviously needs. That's why I have to agree with Carson, and will be filing my recommendation that John return to Earth."

"I am afraid, as much as it pains me to say," Teyla cut in, before Rodney had a chance to react. "That I must agree with Dr. Weir. The Major is clearly not himself. He will will greatly missed, but once he is better then he can return to Atlantis, can he not."

Rodney snorted, but again was cut off from replying by Ford. "I don't think there's much chance of that happening Teyla. If the Major leaves Atlantis then he wont be coming back."

Teyla looked confused, and Rodney couldn't keep silent any longer. "What Ford is so eloquently trying to say is that if the Major gets shipped back to Earth, he'll be locked up in some room somewhere, and forgotten about."

At Teyla's horrified expression Rodney added, "that's what the US Government, and his so called friends," he glared pointedly at Carson and Elizabeth, "think is best for him. Well excuse me if I don't agree with that assessment." With that he stood, and stormed out of the room. The remaining four occupants sat stunned, as they watched as personnel had to literally dive out of Rodney's was as he stalked out of the gate room.

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Rodney found himself in one of the labs, at least they were assuming that it was a lab, that they had discovered a couple of days ago, during one of the now routine searches that they conducted as often as possible. It was far out on the outskirts of the city, and Rodney was beginning to see the appeal of having a lab way out here, as far away from civilisation as possible, without taking a dip in the ocean. Been there, done that, never again, thank you very much.

He needed to focus, to think of a way to fix Sheppard because there was no way in hell he was going to let them ship John back to Earth. He was after all Rodney McKay, Resident Genius, Mr Fixit, Answer Man. How hard could it be to fix one broken Air Force Major.

The best way he knew to focus his mind was to work, often when deep in concentration on one project, the answer to a completely unrelated problem would pop into his head. That was why he'd come down to this lab, not only for the solitude it offered him, but because the non-functioning console provided him with just the distraction he needed.

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Elizabeth couldn't disguise the small gasp that escaped her lips as she entered the infirmary, at seeing John Sheppard, the man who had saved her life countless times, looking so pale, thin, defeated. Nothing had ever stopped him before. They had often joked that he was like the Energizer bunny, whatever you threw at him, he would always bounce back again, good as new. It pained her now to see him like this, seemingly with no hope of bouncing back.

She had thought, after the briefing that maybe Rodney had been right, maybe they were abandoning him when he needed them most. But seeing him here, in his infirmary bed, surrounded by tubes and wires made her realise that they really did have no choice. He was dying, by his own hand, and she had a duty to protect him, not just from the enemy, but from himself as well.

She hadn't realised she's stopped moving, until a comforting hand was placed on her shoulder.  
"Elizabeth lass, are you alright?" It was Carson, of course, he was always there to offer a comforting hand, shoulder to cry on, or sympathetic ear. Elizabeth had to fight the tears that threatened to spill over, as she continued to focus on John.

"I've come to tell him of our, my decision. The Daedalus will be here in three days, and John will be on it when it returns to Earth. I hate this Carson, I know he said that a return to Earth is what he wants, but I've also gotten to know him over the past year, and how he's come to think of Atlantis as home. He's not going to feel the same way once he's better." When Carson didn't say anything for several seconds, she added, "He is going to get better, isn't he?"

Carson had been dreading this question, and secretly hoping that it would never be asked. Everyone had just been taking for granted the fact that once John returned to Earth he would get better. Unfortunately the mind didn't work like that. "Honestly. I don't know. I hope so, I really do, but….The mind is a tricky thing Elizabeth, you have to accept the possibility that he may never be the completely recovered. Certainly, he'll never be the same man who stepped through that gate all those weeks ago. I'm sorry, I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but I though you deserved it straight. Sending him back to Earth is his best chance of recovery." There was a brief pause, before Carson added. "I know you've been thinking about what Rodney said earlier in the briefing." At Elizabeth's puzzled expression, Carson chuckled. "No I've not developed mind reading abilities, although they would come in handy right about now. It's all I've been able to think about all day. And as hard as this is going to be on all of us, it has to be done. We're not abandoning him, we're saving his life."

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Rodney had no idea how long he'd been working on the console, but he was becoming increasingly frustrated. Sure, the console was nearly fixed, but he still didn't know what to do about John.

Glancing down at his watch he was surprised to discover that he had missed lunch, and if he didn't hurry he would be missing dinner as well, which was not a good idea considering he was hypoglycaemic, and with his luck, he would pass out, from manly hunger of course, and being this far out it would take them days to find him, by which time it would be late.

Rearranging the last couple of crystals, he couldn't help but feel satisfaction at his ability to once again repair any piece of Ancient technology, not, of course that he ever doubted that ability, as the room lit up around him. The lure of the now glowing console too strong, he decided that he had time, if he hurried, to experiment with it a little, he reached forward, before jumping back in alarm as it sparked, before the room was plunged into total darkness.

"Great, just great"

Fumbling around in his pockets, he was silently thankful for Sheppard insisting that all personnel venturing into the uninhabited parts of the city carry full mission gear, as he felt the solid weight of his torch in his vest pocket. Flicking the torch on, he made his way carefully, the last thing he needed was to break his ankle falling over some stray piece of Ancient Tech that littered the floor, over to the door. Reaching for the panel, he palmed the door release, expecting it to open with a well practiced whoosh, only it didn't, nothing happened.

"OK, McKay. No need to panic. You can fix this, you've done worse." He found, even when alone, that talking aloud helped him to focus on the problem in hand, instead of panicking, which his brain so often wanted to do in these situations. "OK, focus, all you have to do is pull the panel, and rearrange the crystals. Easy, you've done it a dozen times……No, no, no, no. That's not right, it can't be. Oh I am in so much trouble." Opening the panel, he had discovered that the crystals were fried, completely unusable. He was trapped, and the silent darkness that filled the room was beginning to creep him out.

He tapped his radio, "Radek?" No reply, not even static. "Radek? Carson? Elizabeth? Anyone?" Rodney hated how pathetic he would have sounded, if indeed there had been anyone on the other end to hear his call for help, but he was beginning to panic. "Look, this really isn't funny. So if anyone is hearing this please answer." Rodney had no idea what to do. No one knew where he was, he knew for a fact that the sensors didn't reach this far out, his radio was, apparently broken, he was alone, trapped, with no hope of escape. He knew today was going to be a bad day, but he hadn't been betting on just how bad.

A/N: Once again thanks for reading, and please review. It's great to know what you think, and also inspiring me to keep writing. 


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: OK so finally I have the next chapter done. Sorry for the delay. Again. Thanks again to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter. And I hope you enjoy.

"Rodney?!" John sat bolt upright in the bed, eyes wide open as though staring at some invisible horror that only he could see.

"John?" All thoughts of the reports she'd been filling out while keeping vigil at Sheppard's bedside forgotten, Elizabeth took a cautious step forward into John's line of sight so as not to startle him, before placing a hand on his arm. "John?" She waited for his clearly disoriented gaze to fall on her, before adding, "Are you okay?"

He felt like his heart, beating impossibly fast was going to pound out of his chest as he recalled the all too vivid details of his, dream? Not a dream, it had felt far to real. Atlantis. She had been calling out to him. Rodney was in trouble, and Atlantis was trying to get his attention. "I have to help him." he managed to grind the few words out between gasping for breaths. He began to pull the covers back before he felt a strong hand pushing him, all too easily, back into the pillow.

"What the bloody hell is going on here?"

"Rodney, he's in trouble." John was extremely disconcerted at how little energy Beckett seemed to be using to keep in the bed. Carson glanced over at the squealing heart monitor that had alerted him to the Majors current state before looking back down at his patient.

"Major, it was just a nightmare. Everything's fine. Rodney's fine."

Realising that struggling against Beckett's unrelenting grip was getting him nowhere, and expending precious energy that he couldn't afford to waste, John stopped. "No! It wasn't just a dream. She told me. She told me that Rodney was in trouble." John looked frantically from Carson to Elizabeth, silently willing them to believe him, and not just write him off as crazy. He didn't fully understand it himself, but he knew that it was real, that it was more than just a dream.

"John!" He recognised that tone, that was Elizabeth's diplomatic tone. "You just woke up, and I've been your only visitor all day."

John wasn't sure whether he wanted to laugh, or cry. They really did think he was crazy. "Atlantis. Atlantis told me Rodney's in trouble, and he needs me." The look on Elizabeth's face said it all. Yep, way to go John, that really convinced them that you're not crazy.

"Atlantis?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow sceptically.

"Yes. I need to help him." Elizabeth couldn't help but stand and stare at how thin and fragile John looked as he pushed the blankets covering him to one side, and began manoeuvring himself to get out of bed. She knew she had to do something to stop him, but was afraid that if she touched him, he might just break.

John focused solely on the enormous task of getting out of bed didn't see Beckett approach, didn't see the needle that glinted in his hand. Didn't see the look of regret on the doctors face, as the darkness overcame him.

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_This was new. It was like watching CCTV, through night vision goggles. John could just make out the greenish tinge of a body, huddled in the corner of the dark room. As if reading his mind the imagine zoomed in, and John could clearly make out the figure of Rodney McKay. John couldn't help but notice the glassy, disoriented look in McKay's eyes. He would have put it down to the fact that for McKay the room was pitch black, had it not been for the fine tremors that ran throughout his body. John had seen this in the scientist before, the beginnings of a hypoglycaemic reaction, on those days when Rodney had been too preoccupied with saving their collective asses, to remember the basic survival techniques, such as eating. _

_Directing the 'camera' away from Rodney, John scanned the room. A console, much like any of the other consoles in Atlantis, stood in the centre of the room. The only thing noticeable about this one, was that someone, namely Rodney, had clearly been fiddling with it, because there were wires and crystals littering the floor around it. Panning around the room, John discovered why Rodney was sitting on the floor, in a pitch black lab. The door control crystal was completely fried. Tools hung from the protruding wires, obviously abandoned by the physicist. _

_John had always felt a connection to Atlantis, from the very first moment he had set foot in the city, it had been like a constant reassuring presence in the back of his mind. But now it was as if Atlantis was reaching out to him, able to read his mind, as he began running scenarios as to how he was going to help his friend. He was moving through the corridors, faster then he ever would have though possible. And before he knew it , Atlantis was presenting him with his answer, and of course wasn't it ironic. That the one, and only way of freeing McKay, was to use the control chair. He'd said once to Teyla, that he would do anything for any one of his team, and now one of his team was in trouble. For anyone else the situation would have been inconvenient, they would have days to figure out a way of getting the door open, but for Rodney, it really was life and death. John flashed back to all the times that Rodney had reminded him, that if he didn't eat regularly, he could slip into a coma and die._

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John woke to a darkened, seemingly abandoned infirmary. As much as the thought of going anywhere near the chair again terrified him, he knew that he had no choice. Even if he could get anyone else to listen to him about how he knew Rodney was in trouble, because Atlantis had shown it to him in a dream. _He really needed to work on the whole not sounding crazy thing. _Atlantis had connected to him, no one else, and he wasn't sure that anyone else would be able to do what was necessary to save Rodney in time.

Glancing around the infirmary to confirm, that he was in fact alone John began to make his painfully slow way out of bed. He hadn't realised just how weak he had become. The sheer effort that it took just to get his legs over the side of the bed, was alarming. Even more disconcerting was the fact that he hadn't registered the fact that he was attached to what seem an infinite numbed of machines, before said machines were squealing on him, as he attempted, and failed to stand up. "Damn it!" he cursed as his legs gave way, and he found himself falling towards the infirmary floor.

He must have zoned out for a few seconds because the next thing he knew, he was being skilfully manoeuvred back into bed by Carson and one of his nurses. And John had seen that look on the Scot before, Carson was pissed.

"Major, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing? Do we have to restrain you to keep you in bed? Or would you care to explain to me why you decided to try and go for a wander in the middle of the night?" And Carson must seen something in John's eyes. "This isn't still about Rodney is it?"

"Look Carson. Just hear me out before you write me off as crazy, and sedate me again." And at least Carson had the decency to look slightly regretful of his earlier actions. "I know that this sounds crazy, and if it was the other way around then I'm sure that I would be thinking the same thing. But I am not crazy. Rodney is in trouble, and I need to save him. Atlantis showed me him, showed me how to save him." Seeing the sceptical look on Carson's face John continued. "Look I don't fully understand it myself, but ever since I set foot in the city, I've felt this connection. Like a constant presence in the back of my mind. When we first came here, and we were exploring, it was like someone was guiding me to all the places I wanted to go. I'd think about something, like the control chair, (he hoped that Carson had missed the shudder that just ran through him) and it would be like I just instinctively knew where it was. I haven't really thought about it before now, but I think that was Atlantis. Rodney's in trouble, he's trapped in one of the uninhabited parts of the city, and I'm the only one who can save him."

"OK" Carson began, slowly, as if trying to process everything that John had just said. "So you're saying that, what, Atlantis is sentient? She can sense your thoughts?" Carson looked even more sceptical now, then he had before.

John shook his head, "No, not exactly. It's like how I can control the puddle jumpers. The first time I set foot in one, we were using it to find Colonel Sumner, and the rest of our people on board the hive ship. I thought about getting in undetected, and it cloaked. I thought about how we were going to find our people on the hive, and it gave me a life signs detector." John looked pleading up at Carson, "Please tell me that this is making sense to you, because really I don't think that we have that much time. We need to help Rodney. Now!"

There was no way that Carson could have missed the urgency in the Majors voice, or the pleading look that he was now giving him. And the more that he thought about it, the more that the idea seemed to make sense to him. John did have the strongest form of the ATA gene, and therefore the strongest connection to Atlantis. And he couldn't say that he himself hadn't felt some kind of connection to the city. Nothing like what the Major was describing, but then again, he had learnt from his time on Atlantis, that anything was possible.

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Once John had persuaded Carson, he had then had to run through the whole thing again with Elizabeth. This time though it was a little easier, because he had Carson to back him up, when Elizabeth had started looking sceptical. After what seemed an eternity they had finally managed to persuade her that he wasn't going nuts, and that what he was saying was perfectly plausible.

That was how he now found himself being wheeled through the all too familiar hallways, to the chair room. Carson at the helm, with a full kit full of medical supplies, of course, and Elizabeth at his side. After convincing them that Rodney was in trouble, he'd had an even harder time convincing them to take him down to the chair room. And who could blame them after his last visit.

He was aware, as the made their way silently through the corridors of Elizabeth's glances in his direction. As if she was anticipating him having another breakdown. And the old John Sheppard would have been quick to brush of her concern with an, _I'm fine. _But he wasn't the old John Sheppard, and he was about as far away from fine as he thought it was possible to be. Even now, as they drew nearer their destination, he could feel his heart jack hammering in his chest, going way to fast. And he was finding it harder and harder to breath. And if Carson, or Elizabeth noticed any of this they didn't say anything.

Before he knew it, they were stopping. Why were they stopping? Oh! He'd been too preoccupied with trying to keep a well practiced outward appearance of calm, that he had completely missed the fact that they had arrived at their destination. John looked up at the doors in front of him, and suddenly it wasn't just hard to breath, it was impossible. His throat felt like it was swollen shut, and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't seem to pull in any air. Beginning to feel light headed, and his vision greying, he was startled by the presence of an oxygen mask, and the comforting, unmistakeable voice of Carson telling him to take deep breaths. Easier said then done. Focused solely on the task of pulling oxygen into his burning lungs, he felt nothing but pure relief when the burning began to subside, and his vision began to return.

"John?" He hated the look of pity that he saw in her eyes, the look that told him that he was weak.

"I'm fine" And yeah, that had been convincing, said between pants for breath, and half lidded eyes, as the sheer exertion of breathing was beginning to take its toll on his weakened body. He didn't even need to look at her face to know that there wasn't a chance of her believing him. "Ok. I'm not fine. But do we really have a choice here. Rodney is going to die if I don't sit in that chair (and there it was again, the involuntary shudder.) Lets just get in there, and get this over with. Ok."

Elizabeth looked like she wanted to protest, but John looked up at her with pleading eyes.

"OK" As if she really had a choice in the matter.

John took one last deep breath, before turning to face Carson. "OK doc, I'm ready." He wanted to laugh. Ready. He'd never be ready for this. He had fully intended to return to Earth and never have to touch anything Ancient again. But one of his friends, his family was in trouble, and damn these people for working their way through his carefully constructed defences.

A/N: I think that there are only going to be another couple of chapters to this, but then again I said that a couple of chapters back, and I'm still going. We're definately near the end, I promise.


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